It's under 2 weeks til xmas but the shopping frenzy has been well under way for a good 6 weeks now. It's a very stressful time for me...not because of the traffic, the lineups, rude shoppers or crappy elevator music. It's stressful because of the intensive inquisition I am subjected to by the dreaded, evil cashier. I find myself studying and rehearsing before called upon to "proceed to checkout # 2". But no amount of studying can prepare me well enough.
It goes something like this.....
"are you aware of the deal of the day?" - yes
"did you find everything you were looking for?" - yes
"cash, visa or debit?" - debit
"would you like cash back?" - no
"can I have your postal code?" - a1e1a8
"would you like to be added to our email list?" - no
"can you slide your chip card into the bottom thingy?" - sure
"did you bring your own bags?" - ahh...."DID YOU BRING YOUR OWN BAGS?" - no, jesus
"do you have an airmiles card?" - yes
"do you have a zellers card?" - no
"do you have a Shoppers optimum card?" - no
"would you like to donate a dollar towards the janeway?" - no. shit, I mean yes
"would you like to donate a dollar towards saving the seals?" - no
"clubbing the seals?" - no
"adopting a seal?" - no
"how about the dude who had his guitar stolen on George St. a few years back?" - no
"Igor?" - already did
"is it still raining outside?" - yes
"would you like to add a tip?" - no
"do you want an extended warranty for just $20?" - no
"would you like your receipt?" - yes
"can we do anything else for you today?" - no
So, after 12 gruelling minutes, I leave mentally exhausted and a bit violated.
I think it is time that we dish some of this consumer psychological warfare back on the cashiers. It is our money being spent. We should be asking the questions. You with me? OK, here are a few to get you started......
- "I'm a strong proponent of paying it forward. Can the lady at the back of the line pay for me?"
- "I'm shopping for many friends and family today. Can you break open this bag of chocolate balls and bag individually?"
- "These ribbed condoms feel no different to me, can I get a refund on the other 11?"
- "Would you like to deduct $2 of my purchase towards Jeff's Shopping Foundation?"
- "If I pummel the guy in back of me with the cart rammed up my ass, how many seconds do I have to flee before security comes running?"
- "Can you put this blindfold on while I enter my PIN?"
- "I didn't find everything I was looking for. Awkward?"
- "If I tattooed a bar code on my ass and scanned it, how much would I cost?"
- "Can I pay with my NLC card?"
- "How come expectant mothers can work up until their 8.5 month but get primo spots next to the front entrance?"
- "Do you purposely leave the 4th wheel broken on every cart so I'll be forced to buy more robaxacet or has the shopping cart engineer been on sick leave for the past 30 years?"
- "Why do the staff here run away when I look lost or confused? Is it my breath or are they having a big game of dodge ball and think I have the ball"
- "Why can't anyone answer that god damned phone that's been ringing in the sports department for the past 45 minutes?"
- "What is so dangerous or valuable in the change rooms that you need the master key keeper of the kingdom with the long cape and pointy hat to allow me access? Will I accidentally slip thru the mirror and into another dimension if not assisted by a professional?"
- "I noticed that you've been bitching about your schedule with your neighbor cashier because Josephine called in sick again. Is it ok if I work the rest of your shift for you so I can get the f#$k out of here sometime this evening?"
These are just a few to get you started. Don't worry about memorizing them, I'm sure you can come up with the appropriate questions if you are pissed off enough. Remember, it's up to all of us to collectively put the cuss back in customer service.
Merry Xmas.
