If elected to the highest seat in the city of St. John’s, I pledge the following to my beloved citizens……
- “bikers” will no longer be permitted to hang out in front of high-end coffee shops. It embarrasses the machine (some of the bikes are actually blushing when I drive by), the biker culture and the city. Pool halls? Maybe. Strip clubs? Most definitely. Coffee shops? uh uh.
- The evening news hour will only be permitted to give the weather forecast once. Whenever they do it within the hour is their choice but Sharon and Ryan can only show their face once. 9 times is just a bit excessive, sorry, and you both irritate me.
- Mt. Pearl? Swallowed once and for all
- For every shitty bungalow that is sold for $350 000, the realtor has to give 3% of his 6% commission to a charity of his/her choice. I call it a rip-off tax.
- One Saturday of the summer (TBA) will be called St. John’s Equality Day. On this day, all unattractive lower income citizens get first dibs at the preferential seating next to the sidewalk in such pretentious establishments as Blue, Grapevine and Franklin. The pretty people will be relocated to Velma’s….the back of Velma’s where they can’t be seen from the front window.
- Earth Day- Tim’s drive thrus are shut down.
- On that note, it is now law for each Tim’s to employ a full time traffic cop.
- DJ’s must retire when they reach 35 years of age. (After this age, they become irrelevant and out of touch.)
- Coast 101 is shut down. The other 3 are on probation, effective immediately.
- While on the topic of radio stations, they are no longer allowed to get us excited about a "big concert announcement" only to tell us the next morning that they'll be having a contest to give away tickets to see f$%^ing Beyonce in NY. That's like hyping up xmas to your children for months and then giving them a 649 ticket on xmas morning. WTF.
- If any DJ wants to “kick it old school” and gives “Hurts So Good” a spin, he/she will be immediately deported to a Hungarian prison for 25 yrs.
- Barry Canning and Larry Foley are banned for life from playing in the city of legends.
- All city workers who do street construction and line painting work midnight shifts only, until further notice.
- Costco will be open 24 hrs. Citizens of the city can shop during regular working hrs. Everyone else must shop between midnight and 7am.
- Toll booth? You got it. Garnished from your paycheque if you enter the city boundaries for work. Don’t be sooky, you can charge me when I go visit your town. (yeah, fat chance, I know)
- You, the citizens, decide what developments get approval and what fits in with the “historical heritage” of the city, not the city council. (ie. glass and steel have been used in construction for hundreds of years in other cities but are “too contemporary” for st. john’s? not anymore. I for one believe that 2.5 times is more than enough times for the city core to burn to the ground. Glass and steel your ass off. When tourists sail into the harbour, I want them to say...."jesus, who would have thought that tron and sesame street could cohabitate so beautifully" )
- Too cheap to support your hockey team? Tough shit, everyone pays a hockey tax to compensate for the empty seats.
- No bands from the 70’s or 80’s allowed to perform here unless it is a free event. Country acts are restricted to the Lion’s Club in Pleasantville.
- Tely 10, and any other road race for that matter, to be held outside the city limits. There are all kinds of wide open places to run that don’t require inconveniencing the rest of us.
- The Herald can only be used for wrapping fish.
- As Mt. Pearl will no longer exist, that part of St. John’s will undergo an extensive makeover involving trees, hills and personality. Barry and Larry are permitted back in to assist with this project.
- Magazines and mirrors are no longer permitted in health clubs. (readers and posers are missing the point)
- Councilors who act like children on TV will be treated as such….nothing on but a diaper for the next televised meeting.
- Car dealerships are to remain open all weekend. Not sure who the idiot was who came up with the idea to close them on weekends but it’s a new era boys. You may hate me now but you’ll love me when your sales shoot up 50% next quarter.
- Green or yellow rubber boots are banned from grocery stores. The “I don’t give a shit about fashion because trees and whales are my life” statement doesn’t impress me in the least.
- Every time I’m in a hurry and run into a convenience store to grab the paper or a pack of gum, I get stuck behind the sweet little lady ordering 1/2 lb. of ham (thin sliced) and lb. of bologna (thick sliced). As sweet as she is, I want to strangle her for inconveniencing me instead of going to the goddamned grocery store for her groceries. So, all deli-related items are out of there.
- Every Zellers and Wal Mart will be required to employ an undercover social worker with a dark side. When a parent decides to lay a beating on their kid in one of these stores, the social worker then lays a beating on the parent.
- Cell phones are prohibited from school. They’ll be confiscated at the entrance. Don’t give me the “what if there is an emergency and I need to contact my child” bullshit. In my 13 yrs of grade school, no emergency ever occurred where a kid had to be contacted immediately and pulled out. If the school is laying in the path of an oncoming twister, I’m sure Sharon and Ryan would give us the heads up (9 times) the evening before.
- The fine folks at NTV are no longer allowed to pop acid while creating promotional material, commercials, etc…”Canada’s Super Station” and Captain Newfoundland may seem cool when you are tripping, but it ain’t cool to the rest of us who aren’t.
- I support the new Costco gas station 100%. At any given time on any given day, it along with the Tim’s drive thrus will contain 80% of vehicles on the Avalon peninsula. This means I’ll practically have the roads to myself. If anyone has read my blog on stupid drivers, you know how much this means to me. Heaven.
- Food critics must have credentials….being a weatherman in a past life isn’t a credential.
- Cyclists are hereby banned from city streets and roads for two reasons…
1. they display total disregard for the rules of the road so they don’t deserve the privilege
2. 90% of cyclists are men who wear spandex and I find it offensive
- Halloween is switched to late July. This should decrease the hypothermia cases among children that evening and they won't be limited to such lame costumes as "ski doo man" and "boy in winter coat that he wears every day with rubber mask on."
- What pisses me off is the grocery stores before and after a storm or stat holiday. Busier than xmas eve. Is there a need? Do we have to wipe out the entire meat section for one day of closure? No, I don't think we do. So, on the day before and after, I will station rabid attack dogs outside every grocery store in the city. Anyone leaving with more than one bag of emergency goods (which should include a few candles, peanut butter, bread, maybe a nightlight and a battery or two) will be ripped apart.
- Lotto scratch tickets will be illegal. This may take a while….in the meantime, I will allocate free-standing scratch ticket booths throughout the city until the law is passed. These will be cold, dark, uncomfortable and dangerous, as we want to ween people off this dirty habit…..perhaps a port-a-potti in the middle of the most dangerous intersections in the city. It will be a multi-purpose facility, since it’ll be the only place you can smoke in public too. They’ll be painted black, have skulls and crossbones on the side and require a $5 entry fee.
- The annual garden party at the lieutenant governor's house is getting stale. That field on back of the house can hold at least 15 000. Since the best venue in Nl for an outdoor show at Quidi Vidi was replaced by a paper mache soccer stadium, I think we could combine the garden party with Lollapalooza. What a great way to bring the generations together in day of solidarity, seeped with history, culture and blow.
If all these ideas didn't get you excited, just wait until I introduce you to my councilor team (all of whom i'll appoint immediately after election) They'll all have specific dep'ts./accountabilities, as opposed to doing nothing for a certain zone.
- Sammy Hagar - alien affairs
- Amy Winehouse - george st. association (a seasoned veteran)
- Mickey Rourke - manager of public relations
- Lindsay Lohan - children's sports and recreation
- Mel Gibson - cultural diversity/inclusion
- Nikki Sixx - dep't. of alcohol/substance abuse
- Charlie Sheen - sexual health and education
- Paris Hilton - human ottoman at the council meetings
- Dave Matthews Band - to provide improvisational live entertainment during every council meeting
- Ted Nugent - dep't. of wildlife/moose management
- Burt Reynolds - he's just a floater, can assist others where needed
Remember to tick an "XXX" next to my name for mayor. Thank you for your support.
