I've been looking thru the flyers over the past number of weeks.....waiting for a good deal on 8 or 10 cans of white paint. Why? Well, I found out recently that you can change the world simply by painting your thoughts on a road. I shit you not. Our city council decided that a bicycle path was needed in our fair city as a way to increase physical activity. And they had $2 million to burn. Their solution? Construct a separate lane along the major streets with hop-on-hop-off bicycles like in Montreal? No. Build a new trail thru the city's greenbelt, dedicated solely to bicycles, like in Miami? No. Put bike racks on city buses, like Guelph has done? No. Purchase 13 333 bicycles at $150 a pop and give away in a public lottery? NO! Our master plan is to hire a 3rd grader to paint white bicycles along the side of select streets throughout the city. Voila, we have a bike path. (by the way, even for a 3rd grader, he/she’s a shitty artist)
The first time I saw one, I thought it was random grafitti. The 2nd time, I thought it must be some kind of gangsta underground bicycle gang, showing their colors. The 3rd time, I thought Zellers had a big bike sale and if I followed all the markings, I'd end up in their parking lot. The 4th time, I assumed there was a drastic rise in car/bike collisions and I was passing the tragic accident/crime scene paintings every 40 feet. The 5th time, I thought that the ever-so-painful Targa debacle was expanding to include bicycle races. (but that idea was just plain silly since all Targa participants are overweight millionaire retirees who haven’t sat on a bike in 70 yrs.) The 6th time, I thought those mysterious aliens just got bored with the cornfield circles and wanted to try something new. The 7th time, I thought it was a sign from the gods warning of the end of the world. But according to the Mayan calendar, we still have a year to go. Whew. The 8th time, I thought….maybe the city employees who draw the traffic lines during the nightshift got ripped last night on red bull and vodka, found a bike on the side of the road and used it as a stencil for the entire shift.
Then a friend told me the truth and, after vomiting in my mouth, I started to think....if a simple splash of paint can make something martial law, I'm going painting.
My 1st stop is Empire Theaters. It’s special, it gets 2 paintings. At the concessions lineup, there’ll be a series of dollar bills with wings painted on the floor, leading you to the cashier. Inside, I'm gonna paint a big asshole on the wall next to the front row of each cinema. That way, the assholes who won't shut the f#$ck up during the movie will know where to sit. As they are in the front, the rest of us can throw $20 soggy popcorn and nachos at them for 2 hrs.
Then, it's off to my beloved Tim's. The drive thru needs a touch-up and I'm not sure if you all know my stance on tim's drive thrus so to clarify.....a fat, unshaven, lazy bastard with a dirty wife-beater shirt, a sweat mark around his belly button, cig hanging out of his mouth, dirty fingernails, hove off on his couch...that image gets painted on the drive thru lane.
Speaking of coffee, all the "bikers" who hang out at upscale coffee shops downtown look like George Castanza…..same hair, same physique, same grumpy attitude. So, a pic of George Castanza will be painted on the sidewalk in front of these establishments. So, when any bald, overweight, midlife crisis dude buys a hog, he'll know where he can find his own kind.
The grocery stores are my next target, particularly the organic section. Here, I will paint a stick figure bending over and waiting to take it up the ass. Because when you pay $5 for a can of organic coconut milk and $8 for a bag of organic nachos, the only thing happening is violent rape.
A twenty foot long shovel next to a huge pile of steaming bull shit will be painted at the main entrances of CBC and The Telegram.
In front of Coast 101 radio station….a bleeding eardrum.
In front of every car lot on Topsail Rd., a picture of Larry from Three’s Company.
On the City of Mt. Pearl sign, a sad face.
On the back of the City of Mt. Pearl sign, a happy face.
A thumbs up on one side of public trails for those citizens who walk their dog on a leash.
A middle finger on the other side for those that don’t.
Next to each “no smoking” sign at public entrances, I will add….”unless you are too stupid to read this. Then, understandably, you may smoke.”
Outside the Arts and Culture Centre and The Rooms….cobwebs…..or crickets with a balloon over their heads that says “chirp, chirp.”
Any teen walking across a busy intersection while texting….a big target painted on their back.
All Air Canada jets will have the "Air" whited out and replaced with "F$ck You".
Since the city council inspired this rant, my final masterpiece wil be painted on the steps of city hall.....my interpretation of "the thinker". Like the original, one hand is still supporting his chin while he is bent over, in deep thought. But in my version, he is busy playing with himself with the other hand.
I think you get the picture(s). It’s really too much for me to handle alone. If you know of any 3rd graders who can’t paint very well and need work, call me.
