This one may take a while. I don't want to bore you all with a lenghty entry (as there are so many stupid drivers to bitch about in NL) so i figured point form would be more convenient for your reading pleasure. This is just a partial list of opinions, observations, advice, threats, etc...for the idiots on the road that put my life in jeopardy every day. Here goes.....
1. If the driver cannot speak to the passenger without looking straight at him for the entire conversation and therefore swrving all over the place, doing half the speed limit and almost killing every pedestrian in the vicinity, he/she isn't mentally evolved enough to drive. Pull over, get out, strap a fur cloth around your groin area, grab a stick, bend over and start walking.
2. the brotherhood/solidarity that cabbies display by stopping in the middle of a 4 lane highway at rush hour to give each other a brake is absolutley touching. It is a wonderful display of affection and it has almost brought me to tears on occasion. But it is stupid...Peter Griffin stupid.
3. Motorcylists who wave at each other is one the gayer things I have witnessed in life so far. I am considering starting a group of automobilers who wave at each other when they pass on the road too. ("hey there, you drive a car too, that's pretty cool. Thumbs up on owning a car dude ") Then and only then will motrocyclists realize how gay it looks.
4. If you have spent 45 minutes in the Tim Horton's morning lineup because you are too lazy to drag your ass inside, and then try to get back on the main road and you are frustrated, furious and panicked because no one will give you a break and you'll be late for work, that is the opportune time to reflect on what you've been doing for the past 45 minutes and whose fault it is that you are late.
5. if you catch yourself behind any of the following groups of drivers, just slit your wrists and get it over with....
a. left arm bandits - middle-aged men who hang their left arm dangling down the outside of the car door with a lit cigarette. They obey none of the traffic rules and will quickly lead you to insanity if caught behind.
b. right side cruisers - any age but usually male. they tend to lean to the right (ppossbily from a middle ear infection) with their left arm resting on the elbow rest. Easy to pick out if you are behind as their head is stiking out from the right side of the seat instead of over. Similar to the left arm bandits but with an attitude. Common symptoms are erratic speeds, failure to stop at stop signs, no use of indicators or headlights. Usually listening to shitty music.
c. out of towners - lost, looking for a specific address, no idea what is behind them. Be prepared for incessant blinkage, constant brake lights and sharp violent turns at the last minute without indicator.
d. headless wonder - you can't see a head peeking out over the seat or to the side? Prepare to max out at 20 km/hr.
6. Still alive? Congratulations, let's move on. The 4-way stop rule is really very simple. It does not go in a clockwise or counter-clockwise direction. It goes by first come, first served. Eg. if I follow the driver in front of me thru a 4 way stop sign because no one else is around except you, who are coming from another direction but are still .5 km away, don't shake your fist at me. Take that fist and pop it on the bridge of your nose, hard enough to make your eyes water. That pain should remind you of proper 4 way stop etiquette in the future.
7. if you are going 20 km/hr and i am right up your ass, it is not because I like you. It is because I hate you..not as a person, I just hate you in every other way. And when you finally turn off on a side street, don't give me a dirty look because it hurts my feelings.
8. I'll finish off with the Mt. Pearlers who are so proud of the snow removal from their city streets in the winter. You live in a flat, square, grid design town. You do not have Prescott St., you do not have Rawlin's Cross, you do not have one ways, you do not have row housing with no parking, you do not have Church Hill. Give me one of your plows and I'll teach my 2 yr. old maltipoo to clear your town in a 4 hr shift.
That's it for tonight folks. Drive safely.
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