Warning - you may not find this rant as lighthearted, amusing and witty as those in the past because there is nothing funny about Acute Four Way Stop Dysfuntionality Deficit Genetic Conditional Disorder. AFWSDDGCD drives 1 in 1.5 Newfoundlanders insane every year and is the # 1 reason for alcohol abuse and hair loss in our province. If we were allowed guns in our cars, it would also be the # 1 cause of death.
I touched on four way stops before in another rant, as my 4 fans may recall. I discussed the simple rules. I guess if I had more fans, there wouldn't have been sirens blaring across the twin cities all week. We survived this past week without even one fatality at our intersections. I CANNOT EFFING BELIEVE IT. To any tourists that experienced the torture of a four way stop this week in "The City of Legends", my sincere apologies. Don't hold it against us. Carry on with the newfie jokes, you have every right.
Yes, a lot of us are a tad touched, due to generations of mixed breeding on an isolated island. But that still doesn't excuse our stupidity on the Prince Phillip. Afterall, you can teach a hamster to walk thru a maze for a bit of cheese. Monkeys are known to kick ass with a couple of cymbals. My dog can dance for a tasty morsel of dried pork lung. Some youngsters can stand up and walk not long after their first birthday. Orcas know how to tagteam a minke without even knowing how to talk and they don't have the dexterity to carry a whistle. So no, we have no excuse. Or do we...I did some research and AFWSDDGCD is a real problem in NL. Of course, we have another problem in NL. It is overrun with assholes. Never mind the moose, give us lisences to hunt assholes.
I have a short term and long term plan to battle this problem.
First, every driver in the province should be hauled into young drivers right now and given a written and hands on test on four way stops. Those that fail(approx.400 000) get their license ripped up and burned.
Second, the school for the deaf building on Topsail Rd can be reopened as a four way stop training school for the aforementioned 400 000 idiots and assholes. That will cost a bit of cash in renos (ie. driving courses and torture chambers) but the teachers will work for close to nothing. They don't expect money for their services....just a bit of cheese, pork lung, a few decent cymbals, a warm bottle of breast milk or a few minke steaks.
Third, funding should be put into public schools on four way stop education and hammered into the children's heads year after year, just like John Cabot's historic 1892 voyage to Nl....from grade one, right up until graduation. His celebratory landing and subsequent invention of a tasty beer as a tribute to our beautiful countryside is a landmark date I will never forget. I am living proof that the system works.
Fourth, get rid of all the lights in the twin cities. Force people to survive on four way stops. Many of the stupid and the greedy will be wiped off the map in the first 3 weeks due to collisions so it'll curtail some of the registration and overcrowding problems at the school.
Fifth, any sneaky little weasle asshole who rushes out behind the one car that is supposed to go, hands their car over for auction. $ raised goes towards a AFWSDDGCD fund. The big intersections should be patrolled by extremely big, heavy and intimidating guys with weapons to ensure the perpetrators are caught. Punishment would involve directing traffic at that intersection, naked, for one week.
I know it sounds like an impossible dream. But if Tim Horton's can teach thousands of people across NL to unecessarily sit in their cars at a standstill for 40 minutes each morning, mid morning, lunch time and mid afternoon......well, anything is possible.
Maybe if we set up a Tim Horton's drive thru speaker at each intersection to direct traffic...hhhmmmmmm......if you are heading east, it could scream "medium double double - go!" If you are heading west, "sorry we don't have any blueberry bagles - go!". If you are heading south, "two large, one cream, two sugar twin - go!". And if you are heading north, "would you like to donate a dollar to the tim horton's children's ranch - go!".
That just might work. Remember where you heard it first.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Please give from the heart....and bladder.
I've seen some nasty public washrooms in my time. I've squatted in Korean nightclubs in the wee hours of the morning when no one really pays attention to whether the door has a picture of a dude or a gal on it. I've experienced the last stop in Spain before you get the ferry to Morocco. All the incoming Moroccon vacationers use this stop after their journey to wash their face, feet, hair, relieve themselves, throw away 8 bags of garbage, etc...quite a busy joint....the day I was there, the sewage pipes busted from the pressure. While peeing in an outhouse on a remote island (Ko Mak) in Thailand, I was applauded by 3 supportive geckos. In the Philippines, a very affectionate cockroach nestled up against my ankle while I was taking a whiz. Even here in our beloved NL, i've had the pleasure of using the great pee tent...you know, the one where there is a 30 foot long trough for all the guys to give 'er whle the drunk gals are trying to climb up over the canvas wall to take a peek.
But I have never, ever experienced the rot, the filth, the fury that I have in the Irving Bigstops while travelling across this island in the middle of August. First off, the cute stick figure on the door with it's legs crossed is grossly inaccurate. The figure should be on it's knees, clenching it's throat with both hands and it should have little x'es for eyes and there should be a stream of vomit spewing out of it's mouth. Upon entry, it's similar to a hurricae Katrina aftermath. Human waste on the walls, streams of urine flowing across the foor, a dead cow hanging from a hole in the ceiling, electrical power lines sparking and fizzing, a dog floating by in a canoe howling for it's owner, homeless families on the roof waving a Newfoundland patriot flag to the rescue choppers above.....you get the picture.
You would think that a simple solution to this problem would be to schedule a full time bathroom attendant throughout the busy tourist season. But we have to remember...it's the Irvings. This is a blue collar, hard working, low income family trying to make a go of a struggling business. They come from humble beginnings, they are trying to get a simple cottage industry off the ground, attempting to get their name recognizable in a province where there are SO many other big-business, corporate type bigstop operations monopolizing our highways. They just can't compete, especially if they have to hire a bathroom attendant at each location. But Newfoundlanders are known for coming together to help the downtrodden. So I have a solution. I want to start a fundraiser for the Irvings so they can hire their bathroom attendants. I know it is their dream to show appreciation and gratitude to their meager 4 or 5 customers by keeping their bathrooms clean so here is my plan. It's gonna be called "The Bigstop Pee-A-Thon". I'll hand you all out pledge sheets that you can go door to door with.....50 cents, a toonie, whatever. We'll all get together for the big day, date to be determined. Every time you pee, your pledges will go towards the Irvings. For the pee-a-thon venue, I had a few places in mind....on top of Atlantic Pl. so we can shower the city workers who are still taking huge, 1 foot deep squares out of Water St. and ruining my tires. Or the trackfield in Mt. Pearl. Since the Goo Goo Dolls recently discovered that no one gives a shit about them anymore, I don't believe availability would be an issue there. Or we could break up into smaller teams, set up camp on the roof of each Tim Horton's and let 'er rip on the lazy bastards in the drive thru. Or maybe we'll just go to each Bigstop and actually pee in the urinals and toilets, as opposed to on the floors. That would be a first. So many choices. And don't worry about having to report your # 2's and being embarrassed. I'll save that fundraiser idea for when Journey attempts a comeback or Chad Kroeger from Nikleback decides he's gonna get a decent haircut.
In the meantime, open your pocketbooks and drop your pants. The Irvings need you.
But I have never, ever experienced the rot, the filth, the fury that I have in the Irving Bigstops while travelling across this island in the middle of August. First off, the cute stick figure on the door with it's legs crossed is grossly inaccurate. The figure should be on it's knees, clenching it's throat with both hands and it should have little x'es for eyes and there should be a stream of vomit spewing out of it's mouth. Upon entry, it's similar to a hurricae Katrina aftermath. Human waste on the walls, streams of urine flowing across the foor, a dead cow hanging from a hole in the ceiling, electrical power lines sparking and fizzing, a dog floating by in a canoe howling for it's owner, homeless families on the roof waving a Newfoundland patriot flag to the rescue choppers above.....you get the picture.
You would think that a simple solution to this problem would be to schedule a full time bathroom attendant throughout the busy tourist season. But we have to remember...it's the Irvings. This is a blue collar, hard working, low income family trying to make a go of a struggling business. They come from humble beginnings, they are trying to get a simple cottage industry off the ground, attempting to get their name recognizable in a province where there are SO many other big-business, corporate type bigstop operations monopolizing our highways. They just can't compete, especially if they have to hire a bathroom attendant at each location. But Newfoundlanders are known for coming together to help the downtrodden. So I have a solution. I want to start a fundraiser for the Irvings so they can hire their bathroom attendants. I know it is their dream to show appreciation and gratitude to their meager 4 or 5 customers by keeping their bathrooms clean so here is my plan. It's gonna be called "The Bigstop Pee-A-Thon". I'll hand you all out pledge sheets that you can go door to door with.....50 cents, a toonie, whatever. We'll all get together for the big day, date to be determined. Every time you pee, your pledges will go towards the Irvings. For the pee-a-thon venue, I had a few places in mind....on top of Atlantic Pl. so we can shower the city workers who are still taking huge, 1 foot deep squares out of Water St. and ruining my tires. Or the trackfield in Mt. Pearl. Since the Goo Goo Dolls recently discovered that no one gives a shit about them anymore, I don't believe availability would be an issue there. Or we could break up into smaller teams, set up camp on the roof of each Tim Horton's and let 'er rip on the lazy bastards in the drive thru. Or maybe we'll just go to each Bigstop and actually pee in the urinals and toilets, as opposed to on the floors. That would be a first. So many choices. And don't worry about having to report your # 2's and being embarrassed. I'll save that fundraiser idea for when Journey attempts a comeback or Chad Kroeger from Nikleback decides he's gonna get a decent haircut.
In the meantime, open your pocketbooks and drop your pants. The Irvings need you.
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