AFWSDDGCD

Warning - you may not find this rant as lighthearted, amusing and witty as those in the past because there is nothing funny about Acute Four Way Stop Dysfuntionality Deficit Genetic Conditional Disorder. AFWSDDGCD drives 1 in 1.5 Newfoundlanders insane every year and is the # 1 reason for alcohol abuse and hair loss in our province. If we were allowed guns in our cars, it would also be the # 1 cause of death.
I touched on four way stops before in another rant, as my 4 fans may recall. I discussed the simple rules. I guess if I had more fans, there wouldn't have been sirens blaring across the twin cities all week. We survived this past week without even one fatality at our intersections. I CANNOT EFFING BELIEVE IT. To any tourists that experienced the torture of a four way stop this week in "The City of Legends", my sincere apologies. Don't hold it against us. Carry on with the newfie jokes, you have every right.
Yes, a lot of us are a tad touched, due to generations of mixed breeding on an isolated island. But that still doesn't excuse our stupidity on the Prince Phillip. Afterall, you can teach a hamster to walk thru a maze for a bit of cheese. Monkeys are known to kick ass with a couple of cymbals. My dog can dance for a tasty morsel of dried pork lung. Some youngsters can stand up and walk not long after their first birthday. Orcas know how to tagteam a minke without even knowing how to talk and they don't have the dexterity to carry a whistle. So no, we have no excuse. Or do we...I did some research and AFWSDDGCD is a real problem in NL. Of course, we have another problem in NL. It is overrun with assholes. Never mind the moose, give us lisences to hunt assholes.
I have a short term and long term plan to battle this problem.
First, every driver in the province should be hauled into young drivers right now and given a written and hands on test on four way stops. Those that fail(approx.400 000) get their license ripped up and burned.
Second, the school for the deaf building on Topsail Rd can be reopened as a four way stop training school for the aforementioned 400 000 idiots and assholes. That will cost a bit of cash in renos (ie. driving courses and torture chambers) but the teachers will work for close to nothing. They don't expect money for their services....just a bit of cheese, pork lung, a few decent cymbals, a warm bottle of breast milk or a few minke steaks.
Third, funding should be put into public schools on four way stop education and hammered into the children's heads year after year, just like John Cabot's historic 1892 voyage to Nl....from grade one, right up until graduation. His celebratory landing and subsequent invention of a tasty beer as a tribute to our beautiful countryside is a landmark date I will never forget. I am living proof that the system works.
Fourth, get rid of all the lights in the twin cities. Force people to survive on four way stops. Many of the stupid and the greedy will be wiped off the map in the first 3 weeks due to collisions so it'll curtail some of the registration and overcrowding problems at the school.
Fifth, any sneaky little weasle asshole who rushes out behind the one car that is supposed to go, hands their car over for auction. $ raised goes towards a AFWSDDGCD fund. The big intersections should be patrolled by extremely big, heavy and intimidating guys with weapons to ensure the perpetrators are caught. Punishment would involve directing traffic at that intersection, naked, for one week.

I know it sounds like an impossible dream. But if Tim Horton's can teach thousands of people across NL to unecessarily sit in their cars at a standstill for 40 minutes each morning, mid morning, lunch time and mid afternoon......well, anything is possible.
Maybe if we set up a Tim Horton's drive thru speaker at each intersection to direct traffic...hhhmmmmmm......if you are heading east, it could scream "medium double double - go!" If you are heading west, "sorry we don't have any blueberry bagles - go!". If you are heading south, "two large, one cream, two sugar twin - go!". And if you are heading north, "would you like to donate a dollar to the tim horton's children's ranch - go!".
That just might work. Remember where you heard it first.