I've seen some nasty public washrooms in my time. I've squatted in Korean nightclubs in the wee hours of the morning when no one really pays attention to whether the door has a picture of a dude or a gal on it. I've experienced the last stop in Spain before you get the ferry to Morocco. All the incoming Moroccon vacationers use this stop after their journey to wash their face, feet, hair, relieve themselves, throw away 8 bags of garbage, etc...quite a busy joint....the day I was there, the sewage pipes busted from the pressure. While peeing in an outhouse on a remote island (Ko Mak) in Thailand, I was applauded by 3 supportive geckos. In the Philippines, a very affectionate cockroach nestled up against my ankle while I was taking a whiz. Even here in our beloved NL, i've had the pleasure of using the great pee tent...you know, the one where there is a 30 foot long trough for all the guys to give 'er whle the drunk gals are trying to climb up over the canvas wall to take a peek.
But I have never, ever experienced the rot, the filth, the fury that I have in the Irving Bigstops while travelling across this island in the middle of August. First off, the cute stick figure on the door with it's legs crossed is grossly inaccurate. The figure should be on it's knees, clenching it's throat with both hands and it should have little x'es for eyes and there should be a stream of vomit spewing out of it's mouth. Upon entry, it's similar to a hurricae Katrina aftermath. Human waste on the walls, streams of urine flowing across the foor, a dead cow hanging from a hole in the ceiling, electrical power lines sparking and fizzing, a dog floating by in a canoe howling for it's owner, homeless families on the roof waving a Newfoundland patriot flag to the rescue choppers above.....you get the picture.
You would think that a simple solution to this problem would be to schedule a full time bathroom attendant throughout the busy tourist season. But we have to remember...it's the Irvings. This is a blue collar, hard working, low income family trying to make a go of a struggling business. They come from humble beginnings, they are trying to get a simple cottage industry off the ground, attempting to get their name recognizable in a province where there are SO many other big-business, corporate type bigstop operations monopolizing our highways. They just can't compete, especially if they have to hire a bathroom attendant at each location. But Newfoundlanders are known for coming together to help the downtrodden. So I have a solution. I want to start a fundraiser for the Irvings so they can hire their bathroom attendants. I know it is their dream to show appreciation and gratitude to their meager 4 or 5 customers by keeping their bathrooms clean so here is my plan. It's gonna be called "The Bigstop Pee-A-Thon". I'll hand you all out pledge sheets that you can go door to door with.....50 cents, a toonie, whatever. We'll all get together for the big day, date to be determined. Every time you pee, your pledges will go towards the Irvings. For the pee-a-thon venue, I had a few places in mind....on top of Atlantic Pl. so we can shower the city workers who are still taking huge, 1 foot deep squares out of Water St. and ruining my tires. Or the trackfield in Mt. Pearl. Since the Goo Goo Dolls recently discovered that no one gives a shit about them anymore, I don't believe availability would be an issue there. Or we could break up into smaller teams, set up camp on the roof of each Tim Horton's and let 'er rip on the lazy bastards in the drive thru. Or maybe we'll just go to each Bigstop and actually pee in the urinals and toilets, as opposed to on the floors. That would be a first. So many choices. And don't worry about having to report your # 2's and being embarrassed. I'll save that fundraiser idea for when Journey attempts a comeback or Chad Kroeger from Nikleback decides he's gonna get a decent haircut.
In the meantime, open your pocketbooks and drop your pants. The Irvings need you.
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