I've been looking thru the flyers over the past number of weeks.....waiting for a good deal on 8 or 10 cans of white paint. Why? Well, I found out recently that you can change the world simply by painting your thoughts on a road. I shit you not. Our city council decided that a bicycle path was needed in our fair city as a way to increase physical activity. And they had $2 million to burn. Their solution? Construct a separate lane along the major streets with hop-on-hop-off bicycles like in Montreal? No. Build a new trail thru the city's greenbelt, dedicated solely to bicycles, like in Miami? No. Put bike racks on city buses, like Guelph has done? No. Purchase 13 333 bicycles at $150 a pop and give away in a public lottery? NO! Our master plan is to hire a 3rd grader to paint white bicycles along the side of select streets throughout the city. Voila, we have a bike path. (by the way, even for a 3rd grader, he/she’s a shitty artist)
The first time I saw one, I thought it was random grafitti. The 2nd time, I thought it must be some kind of gangsta underground bicycle gang, showing their colors. The 3rd time, I thought Zellers had a big bike sale and if I followed all the markings, I'd end up in their parking lot. The 4th time, I assumed there was a drastic rise in car/bike collisions and I was passing the tragic accident/crime scene paintings every 40 feet. The 5th time, I thought that the ever-so-painful Targa debacle was expanding to include bicycle races. (but that idea was just plain silly since all Targa participants are overweight millionaire retirees who haven’t sat on a bike in 70 yrs.) The 6th time, I thought those mysterious aliens just got bored with the cornfield circles and wanted to try something new. The 7th time, I thought it was a sign from the gods warning of the end of the world. But according to the Mayan calendar, we still have a year to go. Whew. The 8th time, I thought….maybe the city employees who draw the traffic lines during the nightshift got ripped last night on red bull and vodka, found a bike on the side of the road and used it as a stencil for the entire shift.
Then a friend told me the truth and, after vomiting in my mouth, I started to think....if a simple splash of paint can make something martial law, I'm going painting.
My 1st stop is Empire Theaters. It’s special, it gets 2 paintings. At the concessions lineup, there’ll be a series of dollar bills with wings painted on the floor, leading you to the cashier. Inside, I'm gonna paint a big asshole on the wall next to the front row of each cinema. That way, the assholes who won't shut the f#$ck up during the movie will know where to sit. As they are in the front, the rest of us can throw $20 soggy popcorn and nachos at them for 2 hrs.
Then, it's off to my beloved Tim's. The drive thru needs a touch-up and I'm not sure if you all know my stance on tim's drive thrus so to clarify.....a fat, unshaven, lazy bastard with a dirty wife-beater shirt, a sweat mark around his belly button, cig hanging out of his mouth, dirty fingernails, hove off on his couch...that image gets painted on the drive thru lane.
Speaking of coffee, all the "bikers" who hang out at upscale coffee shops downtown look like George Castanza…..same hair, same physique, same grumpy attitude. So, a pic of George Castanza will be painted on the sidewalk in front of these establishments. So, when any bald, overweight, midlife crisis dude buys a hog, he'll know where he can find his own kind.
The grocery stores are my next target, particularly the organic section. Here, I will paint a stick figure bending over and waiting to take it up the ass. Because when you pay $5 for a can of organic coconut milk and $8 for a bag of organic nachos, the only thing happening is violent rape.
A twenty foot long shovel next to a huge pile of steaming bull shit will be painted at the main entrances of CBC and The Telegram.
In front of Coast 101 radio station….a bleeding eardrum.
In front of every car lot on Topsail Rd., a picture of Larry from Three’s Company.
On the City of Mt. Pearl sign, a sad face.
On the back of the City of Mt. Pearl sign, a happy face.
A thumbs up on one side of public trails for those citizens who walk their dog on a leash.
A middle finger on the other side for those that don’t.
Next to each “no smoking” sign at public entrances, I will add….”unless you are too stupid to read this. Then, understandably, you may smoke.”
Outside the Arts and Culture Centre and The Rooms….cobwebs…..or crickets with a balloon over their heads that says “chirp, chirp.”
Any teen walking across a busy intersection while texting….a big target painted on their back.
All Air Canada jets will have the "Air" whited out and replaced with "F$ck You".
Since the city council inspired this rant, my final masterpiece wil be painted on the steps of city hall.....my interpretation of "the thinker". Like the original, one hand is still supporting his chin while he is bent over, in deep thought. But in my version, he is busy playing with himself with the other hand.
I think you get the picture(s). It’s really too much for me to handle alone. If you know of any 3rd graders who can’t paint very well and need work, call me.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
me for mayor
If elected to the highest seat in the city of St. John’s, I pledge the following to my beloved citizens……
- “bikers” will no longer be permitted to hang out in front of high-end coffee shops. It embarrasses the machine (some of the bikes are actually blushing when I drive by), the biker culture and the city. Pool halls? Maybe. Strip clubs? Most definitely. Coffee shops? uh uh.
- The evening news hour will only be permitted to give the weather forecast once. Whenever they do it within the hour is their choice but Sharon and Ryan can only show their face once. 9 times is just a bit excessive, sorry, and you both irritate me.
- Mt. Pearl? Swallowed once and for all
- For every shitty bungalow that is sold for $350 000, the realtor has to give 3% of his 6% commission to a charity of his/her choice. I call it a rip-off tax.
- One Saturday of the summer (TBA) will be called St. John’s Equality Day. On this day, all unattractive lower income citizens get first dibs at the preferential seating next to the sidewalk in such pretentious establishments as Blue, Grapevine and Franklin. The pretty people will be relocated to Velma’s….the back of Velma’s where they can’t be seen from the front window.
- Earth Day- Tim’s drive thrus are shut down.
- On that note, it is now law for each Tim’s to employ a full time traffic cop.
- DJ’s must retire when they reach 35 years of age. (After this age, they become irrelevant and out of touch.)
- Coast 101 is shut down. The other 3 are on probation, effective immediately.
- While on the topic of radio stations, they are no longer allowed to get us excited about a "big concert announcement" only to tell us the next morning that they'll be having a contest to give away tickets to see f$%^ing Beyonce in NY. That's like hyping up xmas to your children for months and then giving them a 649 ticket on xmas morning. WTF.
- If any DJ wants to “kick it old school” and gives “Hurts So Good” a spin, he/she will be immediately deported to a Hungarian prison for 25 yrs.
- Barry Canning and Larry Foley are banned for life from playing in the city of legends.
- All city workers who do street construction and line painting work midnight shifts only, until further notice.
- Costco will be open 24 hrs. Citizens of the city can shop during regular working hrs. Everyone else must shop between midnight and 7am.
- Toll booth? You got it. Garnished from your paycheque if you enter the city boundaries for work. Don’t be sooky, you can charge me when I go visit your town. (yeah, fat chance, I know)
- You, the citizens, decide what developments get approval and what fits in with the “historical heritage” of the city, not the city council. (ie. glass and steel have been used in construction for hundreds of years in other cities but are “too contemporary” for st. john’s? not anymore. I for one believe that 2.5 times is more than enough times for the city core to burn to the ground. Glass and steel your ass off. When tourists sail into the harbour, I want them to say...."jesus, who would have thought that tron and sesame street could cohabitate so beautifully" )
- Too cheap to support your hockey team? Tough shit, everyone pays a hockey tax to compensate for the empty seats.
- No bands from the 70’s or 80’s allowed to perform here unless it is a free event. Country acts are restricted to the Lion’s Club in Pleasantville.
- Tely 10, and any other road race for that matter, to be held outside the city limits. There are all kinds of wide open places to run that don’t require inconveniencing the rest of us.
- The Herald can only be used for wrapping fish.
- As Mt. Pearl will no longer exist, that part of St. John’s will undergo an extensive makeover involving trees, hills and personality. Barry and Larry are permitted back in to assist with this project.
- Magazines and mirrors are no longer permitted in health clubs. (readers and posers are missing the point)
- Councilors who act like children on TV will be treated as such….nothing on but a diaper for the next televised meeting.
- Car dealerships are to remain open all weekend. Not sure who the idiot was who came up with the idea to close them on weekends but it’s a new era boys. You may hate me now but you’ll love me when your sales shoot up 50% next quarter.
- Green or yellow rubber boots are banned from grocery stores. The “I don’t give a shit about fashion because trees and whales are my life” statement doesn’t impress me in the least.
- Every time I’m in a hurry and run into a convenience store to grab the paper or a pack of gum, I get stuck behind the sweet little lady ordering 1/2 lb. of ham (thin sliced) and lb. of bologna (thick sliced). As sweet as she is, I want to strangle her for inconveniencing me instead of going to the goddamned grocery store for her groceries. So, all deli-related items are out of there.
- Every Zellers and Wal Mart will be required to employ an undercover social worker with a dark side. When a parent decides to lay a beating on their kid in one of these stores, the social worker then lays a beating on the parent.
- Cell phones are prohibited from school. They’ll be confiscated at the entrance. Don’t give me the “what if there is an emergency and I need to contact my child” bullshit. In my 13 yrs of grade school, no emergency ever occurred where a kid had to be contacted immediately and pulled out. If the school is laying in the path of an oncoming twister, I’m sure Sharon and Ryan would give us the heads up (9 times) the evening before.
- The fine folks at NTV are no longer allowed to pop acid while creating promotional material, commercials, etc…”Canada’s Super Station” and Captain Newfoundland may seem cool when you are tripping, but it ain’t cool to the rest of us who aren’t.
- I support the new Costco gas station 100%. At any given time on any given day, it along with the Tim’s drive thrus will contain 80% of vehicles on the Avalon peninsula. This means I’ll practically have the roads to myself. If anyone has read my blog on stupid drivers, you know how much this means to me. Heaven.
- Food critics must have credentials….being a weatherman in a past life isn’t a credential.
- Cyclists are hereby banned from city streets and roads for two reasons…
1. they display total disregard for the rules of the road so they don’t deserve the privilege
2. 90% of cyclists are men who wear spandex and I find it offensive
- Halloween is switched to late July. This should decrease the hypothermia cases among children that evening and they won't be limited to such lame costumes as "ski doo man" and "boy in winter coat that he wears every day with rubber mask on."
- What pisses me off is the grocery stores before and after a storm or stat holiday. Busier than xmas eve. Is there a need? Do we have to wipe out the entire meat section for one day of closure? No, I don't think we do. So, on the day before and after, I will station rabid attack dogs outside every grocery store in the city. Anyone leaving with more than one bag of emergency goods (which should include a few candles, peanut butter, bread, maybe a nightlight and a battery or two) will be ripped apart.
- Lotto scratch tickets will be illegal. This may take a while….in the meantime, I will allocate free-standing scratch ticket booths throughout the city until the law is passed. These will be cold, dark, uncomfortable and dangerous, as we want to ween people off this dirty habit…..perhaps a port-a-potti in the middle of the most dangerous intersections in the city. It will be a multi-purpose facility, since it’ll be the only place you can smoke in public too. They’ll be painted black, have skulls and crossbones on the side and require a $5 entry fee.
- The annual garden party at the lieutenant governor's house is getting stale. That field on back of the house can hold at least 15 000. Since the best venue in Nl for an outdoor show at Quidi Vidi was replaced by a paper mache soccer stadium, I think we could combine the garden party with Lollapalooza. What a great way to bring the generations together in day of solidarity, seeped with history, culture and blow.
If all these ideas didn't get you excited, just wait until I introduce you to my councilor team (all of whom i'll appoint immediately after election) They'll all have specific dep'ts./accountabilities, as opposed to doing nothing for a certain zone.
- Sammy Hagar - alien affairs
- Amy Winehouse - george st. association (a seasoned veteran)
- Mickey Rourke - manager of public relations
- Lindsay Lohan - children's sports and recreation
- Mel Gibson - cultural diversity/inclusion
- Nikki Sixx - dep't. of alcohol/substance abuse
- Charlie Sheen - sexual health and education
- Paris Hilton - human ottoman at the council meetings
- Dave Matthews Band - to provide improvisational live entertainment during every council meeting
- Ted Nugent - dep't. of wildlife/moose management
- Burt Reynolds - he's just a floater, can assist others where needed
Remember to tick an "XXX" next to my name for mayor. Thank you for your support.
- “bikers” will no longer be permitted to hang out in front of high-end coffee shops. It embarrasses the machine (some of the bikes are actually blushing when I drive by), the biker culture and the city. Pool halls? Maybe. Strip clubs? Most definitely. Coffee shops? uh uh.
- The evening news hour will only be permitted to give the weather forecast once. Whenever they do it within the hour is their choice but Sharon and Ryan can only show their face once. 9 times is just a bit excessive, sorry, and you both irritate me.
- Mt. Pearl? Swallowed once and for all
- For every shitty bungalow that is sold for $350 000, the realtor has to give 3% of his 6% commission to a charity of his/her choice. I call it a rip-off tax.
- One Saturday of the summer (TBA) will be called St. John’s Equality Day. On this day, all unattractive lower income citizens get first dibs at the preferential seating next to the sidewalk in such pretentious establishments as Blue, Grapevine and Franklin. The pretty people will be relocated to Velma’s….the back of Velma’s where they can’t be seen from the front window.
- Earth Day- Tim’s drive thrus are shut down.
- On that note, it is now law for each Tim’s to employ a full time traffic cop.
- DJ’s must retire when they reach 35 years of age. (After this age, they become irrelevant and out of touch.)
- Coast 101 is shut down. The other 3 are on probation, effective immediately.
- While on the topic of radio stations, they are no longer allowed to get us excited about a "big concert announcement" only to tell us the next morning that they'll be having a contest to give away tickets to see f$%^ing Beyonce in NY. That's like hyping up xmas to your children for months and then giving them a 649 ticket on xmas morning. WTF.
- If any DJ wants to “kick it old school” and gives “Hurts So Good” a spin, he/she will be immediately deported to a Hungarian prison for 25 yrs.
- Barry Canning and Larry Foley are banned for life from playing in the city of legends.
- All city workers who do street construction and line painting work midnight shifts only, until further notice.
- Costco will be open 24 hrs. Citizens of the city can shop during regular working hrs. Everyone else must shop between midnight and 7am.
- Toll booth? You got it. Garnished from your paycheque if you enter the city boundaries for work. Don’t be sooky, you can charge me when I go visit your town. (yeah, fat chance, I know)
- You, the citizens, decide what developments get approval and what fits in with the “historical heritage” of the city, not the city council. (ie. glass and steel have been used in construction for hundreds of years in other cities but are “too contemporary” for st. john’s? not anymore. I for one believe that 2.5 times is more than enough times for the city core to burn to the ground. Glass and steel your ass off. When tourists sail into the harbour, I want them to say...."jesus, who would have thought that tron and sesame street could cohabitate so beautifully" )
- Too cheap to support your hockey team? Tough shit, everyone pays a hockey tax to compensate for the empty seats.
- No bands from the 70’s or 80’s allowed to perform here unless it is a free event. Country acts are restricted to the Lion’s Club in Pleasantville.
- Tely 10, and any other road race for that matter, to be held outside the city limits. There are all kinds of wide open places to run that don’t require inconveniencing the rest of us.
- The Herald can only be used for wrapping fish.
- As Mt. Pearl will no longer exist, that part of St. John’s will undergo an extensive makeover involving trees, hills and personality. Barry and Larry are permitted back in to assist with this project.
- Magazines and mirrors are no longer permitted in health clubs. (readers and posers are missing the point)
- Councilors who act like children on TV will be treated as such….nothing on but a diaper for the next televised meeting.
- Car dealerships are to remain open all weekend. Not sure who the idiot was who came up with the idea to close them on weekends but it’s a new era boys. You may hate me now but you’ll love me when your sales shoot up 50% next quarter.
- Green or yellow rubber boots are banned from grocery stores. The “I don’t give a shit about fashion because trees and whales are my life” statement doesn’t impress me in the least.
- Every time I’m in a hurry and run into a convenience store to grab the paper or a pack of gum, I get stuck behind the sweet little lady ordering 1/2 lb. of ham (thin sliced) and lb. of bologna (thick sliced). As sweet as she is, I want to strangle her for inconveniencing me instead of going to the goddamned grocery store for her groceries. So, all deli-related items are out of there.
- Every Zellers and Wal Mart will be required to employ an undercover social worker with a dark side. When a parent decides to lay a beating on their kid in one of these stores, the social worker then lays a beating on the parent.
- Cell phones are prohibited from school. They’ll be confiscated at the entrance. Don’t give me the “what if there is an emergency and I need to contact my child” bullshit. In my 13 yrs of grade school, no emergency ever occurred where a kid had to be contacted immediately and pulled out. If the school is laying in the path of an oncoming twister, I’m sure Sharon and Ryan would give us the heads up (9 times) the evening before.
- The fine folks at NTV are no longer allowed to pop acid while creating promotional material, commercials, etc…”Canada’s Super Station” and Captain Newfoundland may seem cool when you are tripping, but it ain’t cool to the rest of us who aren’t.
- I support the new Costco gas station 100%. At any given time on any given day, it along with the Tim’s drive thrus will contain 80% of vehicles on the Avalon peninsula. This means I’ll practically have the roads to myself. If anyone has read my blog on stupid drivers, you know how much this means to me. Heaven.
- Food critics must have credentials….being a weatherman in a past life isn’t a credential.
- Cyclists are hereby banned from city streets and roads for two reasons…
1. they display total disregard for the rules of the road so they don’t deserve the privilege
2. 90% of cyclists are men who wear spandex and I find it offensive
- Halloween is switched to late July. This should decrease the hypothermia cases among children that evening and they won't be limited to such lame costumes as "ski doo man" and "boy in winter coat that he wears every day with rubber mask on."
- What pisses me off is the grocery stores before and after a storm or stat holiday. Busier than xmas eve. Is there a need? Do we have to wipe out the entire meat section for one day of closure? No, I don't think we do. So, on the day before and after, I will station rabid attack dogs outside every grocery store in the city. Anyone leaving with more than one bag of emergency goods (which should include a few candles, peanut butter, bread, maybe a nightlight and a battery or two) will be ripped apart.
- Lotto scratch tickets will be illegal. This may take a while….in the meantime, I will allocate free-standing scratch ticket booths throughout the city until the law is passed. These will be cold, dark, uncomfortable and dangerous, as we want to ween people off this dirty habit…..perhaps a port-a-potti in the middle of the most dangerous intersections in the city. It will be a multi-purpose facility, since it’ll be the only place you can smoke in public too. They’ll be painted black, have skulls and crossbones on the side and require a $5 entry fee.
- The annual garden party at the lieutenant governor's house is getting stale. That field on back of the house can hold at least 15 000. Since the best venue in Nl for an outdoor show at Quidi Vidi was replaced by a paper mache soccer stadium, I think we could combine the garden party with Lollapalooza. What a great way to bring the generations together in day of solidarity, seeped with history, culture and blow.
If all these ideas didn't get you excited, just wait until I introduce you to my councilor team (all of whom i'll appoint immediately after election) They'll all have specific dep'ts./accountabilities, as opposed to doing nothing for a certain zone.
- Sammy Hagar - alien affairs
- Amy Winehouse - george st. association (a seasoned veteran)
- Mickey Rourke - manager of public relations
- Lindsay Lohan - children's sports and recreation
- Mel Gibson - cultural diversity/inclusion
- Nikki Sixx - dep't. of alcohol/substance abuse
- Charlie Sheen - sexual health and education
- Paris Hilton - human ottoman at the council meetings
- Dave Matthews Band - to provide improvisational live entertainment during every council meeting
- Ted Nugent - dep't. of wildlife/moose management
- Burt Reynolds - he's just a floater, can assist others where needed
Remember to tick an "XXX" next to my name for mayor. Thank you for your support.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
the cashier questionnaire
It's under 2 weeks til xmas but the shopping frenzy has been well under way for a good 6 weeks now. It's a very stressful time for me...not because of the traffic, the lineups, rude shoppers or crappy elevator music. It's stressful because of the intensive inquisition I am subjected to by the dreaded, evil cashier. I find myself studying and rehearsing before called upon to "proceed to checkout # 2". But no amount of studying can prepare me well enough.
It goes something like this.....
"are you aware of the deal of the day?" - yes
"did you find everything you were looking for?" - yes
"cash, visa or debit?" - debit
"would you like cash back?" - no
"can I have your postal code?" - a1e1a8
"would you like to be added to our email list?" - no
"can you slide your chip card into the bottom thingy?" - sure
"did you bring your own bags?" - ahh...."DID YOU BRING YOUR OWN BAGS?" - no, jesus
"do you have an airmiles card?" - yes
"do you have a zellers card?" - no
"do you have a Shoppers optimum card?" - no
"would you like to donate a dollar towards the janeway?" - no. shit, I mean yes
"would you like to donate a dollar towards saving the seals?" - no
"clubbing the seals?" - no
"adopting a seal?" - no
"how about the dude who had his guitar stolen on George St. a few years back?" - no
"Igor?" - already did
"is it still raining outside?" - yes
"would you like to add a tip?" - no
"do you want an extended warranty for just $20?" - no
"would you like your receipt?" - yes
"can we do anything else for you today?" - no
So, after 12 gruelling minutes, I leave mentally exhausted and a bit violated.
I think it is time that we dish some of this consumer psychological warfare back on the cashiers. It is our money being spent. We should be asking the questions. You with me? OK, here are a few to get you started......
- "I'm a strong proponent of paying it forward. Can the lady at the back of the line pay for me?"
- "I'm shopping for many friends and family today. Can you break open this bag of chocolate balls and bag individually?"
- "These ribbed condoms feel no different to me, can I get a refund on the other 11?"
- "Would you like to deduct $2 of my purchase towards Jeff's Shopping Foundation?"
- "If I pummel the guy in back of me with the cart rammed up my ass, how many seconds do I have to flee before security comes running?"
- "Can you put this blindfold on while I enter my PIN?"
- "I didn't find everything I was looking for. Awkward?"
- "If I tattooed a bar code on my ass and scanned it, how much would I cost?"
- "Can I pay with my NLC card?"
- "How come expectant mothers can work up until their 8.5 month but get primo spots next to the front entrance?"
- "Do you purposely leave the 4th wheel broken on every cart so I'll be forced to buy more robaxacet or has the shopping cart engineer been on sick leave for the past 30 years?"
- "Why do the staff here run away when I look lost or confused? Is it my breath or are they having a big game of dodge ball and think I have the ball"
- "Why can't anyone answer that god damned phone that's been ringing in the sports department for the past 45 minutes?"
- "What is so dangerous or valuable in the change rooms that you need the master key keeper of the kingdom with the long cape and pointy hat to allow me access? Will I accidentally slip thru the mirror and into another dimension if not assisted by a professional?"
- "I noticed that you've been bitching about your schedule with your neighbor cashier because Josephine called in sick again. Is it ok if I work the rest of your shift for you so I can get the f#$k out of here sometime this evening?"
These are just a few to get you started. Don't worry about memorizing them, I'm sure you can come up with the appropriate questions if you are pissed off enough. Remember, it's up to all of us to collectively put the cuss back in customer service.
Merry Xmas.
It goes something like this.....
"are you aware of the deal of the day?" - yes
"did you find everything you were looking for?" - yes
"cash, visa or debit?" - debit
"would you like cash back?" - no
"can I have your postal code?" - a1e1a8
"would you like to be added to our email list?" - no
"can you slide your chip card into the bottom thingy?" - sure
"did you bring your own bags?" - ahh...."DID YOU BRING YOUR OWN BAGS?" - no, jesus
"do you have an airmiles card?" - yes
"do you have a zellers card?" - no
"do you have a Shoppers optimum card?" - no
"would you like to donate a dollar towards the janeway?" - no. shit, I mean yes
"would you like to donate a dollar towards saving the seals?" - no
"clubbing the seals?" - no
"adopting a seal?" - no
"how about the dude who had his guitar stolen on George St. a few years back?" - no
"Igor?" - already did
"is it still raining outside?" - yes
"would you like to add a tip?" - no
"do you want an extended warranty for just $20?" - no
"would you like your receipt?" - yes
"can we do anything else for you today?" - no
So, after 12 gruelling minutes, I leave mentally exhausted and a bit violated.
I think it is time that we dish some of this consumer psychological warfare back on the cashiers. It is our money being spent. We should be asking the questions. You with me? OK, here are a few to get you started......
- "I'm a strong proponent of paying it forward. Can the lady at the back of the line pay for me?"
- "I'm shopping for many friends and family today. Can you break open this bag of chocolate balls and bag individually?"
- "These ribbed condoms feel no different to me, can I get a refund on the other 11?"
- "Would you like to deduct $2 of my purchase towards Jeff's Shopping Foundation?"
- "If I pummel the guy in back of me with the cart rammed up my ass, how many seconds do I have to flee before security comes running?"
- "Can you put this blindfold on while I enter my PIN?"
- "I didn't find everything I was looking for. Awkward?"
- "If I tattooed a bar code on my ass and scanned it, how much would I cost?"
- "Can I pay with my NLC card?"
- "How come expectant mothers can work up until their 8.5 month but get primo spots next to the front entrance?"
- "Do you purposely leave the 4th wheel broken on every cart so I'll be forced to buy more robaxacet or has the shopping cart engineer been on sick leave for the past 30 years?"
- "Why do the staff here run away when I look lost or confused? Is it my breath or are they having a big game of dodge ball and think I have the ball"
- "Why can't anyone answer that god damned phone that's been ringing in the sports department for the past 45 minutes?"
- "What is so dangerous or valuable in the change rooms that you need the master key keeper of the kingdom with the long cape and pointy hat to allow me access? Will I accidentally slip thru the mirror and into another dimension if not assisted by a professional?"
- "I noticed that you've been bitching about your schedule with your neighbor cashier because Josephine called in sick again. Is it ok if I work the rest of your shift for you so I can get the f#$k out of here sometime this evening?"
These are just a few to get you started. Don't worry about memorizing them, I'm sure you can come up with the appropriate questions if you are pissed off enough. Remember, it's up to all of us to collectively put the cuss back in customer service.
Merry Xmas.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
AFWSDDGCD
Warning - you may not find this rant as lighthearted, amusing and witty as those in the past because there is nothing funny about Acute Four Way Stop Dysfuntionality Deficit Genetic Conditional Disorder. AFWSDDGCD drives 1 in 1.5 Newfoundlanders insane every year and is the # 1 reason for alcohol abuse and hair loss in our province. If we were allowed guns in our cars, it would also be the # 1 cause of death.
I touched on four way stops before in another rant, as my 4 fans may recall. I discussed the simple rules. I guess if I had more fans, there wouldn't have been sirens blaring across the twin cities all week. We survived this past week without even one fatality at our intersections. I CANNOT EFFING BELIEVE IT. To any tourists that experienced the torture of a four way stop this week in "The City of Legends", my sincere apologies. Don't hold it against us. Carry on with the newfie jokes, you have every right.
Yes, a lot of us are a tad touched, due to generations of mixed breeding on an isolated island. But that still doesn't excuse our stupidity on the Prince Phillip. Afterall, you can teach a hamster to walk thru a maze for a bit of cheese. Monkeys are known to kick ass with a couple of cymbals. My dog can dance for a tasty morsel of dried pork lung. Some youngsters can stand up and walk not long after their first birthday. Orcas know how to tagteam a minke without even knowing how to talk and they don't have the dexterity to carry a whistle. So no, we have no excuse. Or do we...I did some research and AFWSDDGCD is a real problem in NL. Of course, we have another problem in NL. It is overrun with assholes. Never mind the moose, give us lisences to hunt assholes.
I have a short term and long term plan to battle this problem.
First, every driver in the province should be hauled into young drivers right now and given a written and hands on test on four way stops. Those that fail(approx.400 000) get their license ripped up and burned.
Second, the school for the deaf building on Topsail Rd can be reopened as a four way stop training school for the aforementioned 400 000 idiots and assholes. That will cost a bit of cash in renos (ie. driving courses and torture chambers) but the teachers will work for close to nothing. They don't expect money for their services....just a bit of cheese, pork lung, a few decent cymbals, a warm bottle of breast milk or a few minke steaks.
Third, funding should be put into public schools on four way stop education and hammered into the children's heads year after year, just like John Cabot's historic 1892 voyage to Nl....from grade one, right up until graduation. His celebratory landing and subsequent invention of a tasty beer as a tribute to our beautiful countryside is a landmark date I will never forget. I am living proof that the system works.
Fourth, get rid of all the lights in the twin cities. Force people to survive on four way stops. Many of the stupid and the greedy will be wiped off the map in the first 3 weeks due to collisions so it'll curtail some of the registration and overcrowding problems at the school.
Fifth, any sneaky little weasle asshole who rushes out behind the one car that is supposed to go, hands their car over for auction. $ raised goes towards a AFWSDDGCD fund. The big intersections should be patrolled by extremely big, heavy and intimidating guys with weapons to ensure the perpetrators are caught. Punishment would involve directing traffic at that intersection, naked, for one week.
I know it sounds like an impossible dream. But if Tim Horton's can teach thousands of people across NL to unecessarily sit in their cars at a standstill for 40 minutes each morning, mid morning, lunch time and mid afternoon......well, anything is possible.
Maybe if we set up a Tim Horton's drive thru speaker at each intersection to direct traffic...hhhmmmmmm......if you are heading east, it could scream "medium double double - go!" If you are heading west, "sorry we don't have any blueberry bagles - go!". If you are heading south, "two large, one cream, two sugar twin - go!". And if you are heading north, "would you like to donate a dollar to the tim horton's children's ranch - go!".
That just might work. Remember where you heard it first.
I touched on four way stops before in another rant, as my 4 fans may recall. I discussed the simple rules. I guess if I had more fans, there wouldn't have been sirens blaring across the twin cities all week. We survived this past week without even one fatality at our intersections. I CANNOT EFFING BELIEVE IT. To any tourists that experienced the torture of a four way stop this week in "The City of Legends", my sincere apologies. Don't hold it against us. Carry on with the newfie jokes, you have every right.
Yes, a lot of us are a tad touched, due to generations of mixed breeding on an isolated island. But that still doesn't excuse our stupidity on the Prince Phillip. Afterall, you can teach a hamster to walk thru a maze for a bit of cheese. Monkeys are known to kick ass with a couple of cymbals. My dog can dance for a tasty morsel of dried pork lung. Some youngsters can stand up and walk not long after their first birthday. Orcas know how to tagteam a minke without even knowing how to talk and they don't have the dexterity to carry a whistle. So no, we have no excuse. Or do we...I did some research and AFWSDDGCD is a real problem in NL. Of course, we have another problem in NL. It is overrun with assholes. Never mind the moose, give us lisences to hunt assholes.
I have a short term and long term plan to battle this problem.
First, every driver in the province should be hauled into young drivers right now and given a written and hands on test on four way stops. Those that fail(approx.400 000) get their license ripped up and burned.
Second, the school for the deaf building on Topsail Rd can be reopened as a four way stop training school for the aforementioned 400 000 idiots and assholes. That will cost a bit of cash in renos (ie. driving courses and torture chambers) but the teachers will work for close to nothing. They don't expect money for their services....just a bit of cheese, pork lung, a few decent cymbals, a warm bottle of breast milk or a few minke steaks.
Third, funding should be put into public schools on four way stop education and hammered into the children's heads year after year, just like John Cabot's historic 1892 voyage to Nl....from grade one, right up until graduation. His celebratory landing and subsequent invention of a tasty beer as a tribute to our beautiful countryside is a landmark date I will never forget. I am living proof that the system works.
Fourth, get rid of all the lights in the twin cities. Force people to survive on four way stops. Many of the stupid and the greedy will be wiped off the map in the first 3 weeks due to collisions so it'll curtail some of the registration and overcrowding problems at the school.
Fifth, any sneaky little weasle asshole who rushes out behind the one car that is supposed to go, hands their car over for auction. $ raised goes towards a AFWSDDGCD fund. The big intersections should be patrolled by extremely big, heavy and intimidating guys with weapons to ensure the perpetrators are caught. Punishment would involve directing traffic at that intersection, naked, for one week.
I know it sounds like an impossible dream. But if Tim Horton's can teach thousands of people across NL to unecessarily sit in their cars at a standstill for 40 minutes each morning, mid morning, lunch time and mid afternoon......well, anything is possible.
Maybe if we set up a Tim Horton's drive thru speaker at each intersection to direct traffic...hhhmmmmmm......if you are heading east, it could scream "medium double double - go!" If you are heading west, "sorry we don't have any blueberry bagles - go!". If you are heading south, "two large, one cream, two sugar twin - go!". And if you are heading north, "would you like to donate a dollar to the tim horton's children's ranch - go!".
That just might work. Remember where you heard it first.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Please give from the heart....and bladder.
I've seen some nasty public washrooms in my time. I've squatted in Korean nightclubs in the wee hours of the morning when no one really pays attention to whether the door has a picture of a dude or a gal on it. I've experienced the last stop in Spain before you get the ferry to Morocco. All the incoming Moroccon vacationers use this stop after their journey to wash their face, feet, hair, relieve themselves, throw away 8 bags of garbage, etc...quite a busy joint....the day I was there, the sewage pipes busted from the pressure. While peeing in an outhouse on a remote island (Ko Mak) in Thailand, I was applauded by 3 supportive geckos. In the Philippines, a very affectionate cockroach nestled up against my ankle while I was taking a whiz. Even here in our beloved NL, i've had the pleasure of using the great pee tent...you know, the one where there is a 30 foot long trough for all the guys to give 'er whle the drunk gals are trying to climb up over the canvas wall to take a peek.
But I have never, ever experienced the rot, the filth, the fury that I have in the Irving Bigstops while travelling across this island in the middle of August. First off, the cute stick figure on the door with it's legs crossed is grossly inaccurate. The figure should be on it's knees, clenching it's throat with both hands and it should have little x'es for eyes and there should be a stream of vomit spewing out of it's mouth. Upon entry, it's similar to a hurricae Katrina aftermath. Human waste on the walls, streams of urine flowing across the foor, a dead cow hanging from a hole in the ceiling, electrical power lines sparking and fizzing, a dog floating by in a canoe howling for it's owner, homeless families on the roof waving a Newfoundland patriot flag to the rescue choppers above.....you get the picture.
You would think that a simple solution to this problem would be to schedule a full time bathroom attendant throughout the busy tourist season. But we have to remember...it's the Irvings. This is a blue collar, hard working, low income family trying to make a go of a struggling business. They come from humble beginnings, they are trying to get a simple cottage industry off the ground, attempting to get their name recognizable in a province where there are SO many other big-business, corporate type bigstop operations monopolizing our highways. They just can't compete, especially if they have to hire a bathroom attendant at each location. But Newfoundlanders are known for coming together to help the downtrodden. So I have a solution. I want to start a fundraiser for the Irvings so they can hire their bathroom attendants. I know it is their dream to show appreciation and gratitude to their meager 4 or 5 customers by keeping their bathrooms clean so here is my plan. It's gonna be called "The Bigstop Pee-A-Thon". I'll hand you all out pledge sheets that you can go door to door with.....50 cents, a toonie, whatever. We'll all get together for the big day, date to be determined. Every time you pee, your pledges will go towards the Irvings. For the pee-a-thon venue, I had a few places in mind....on top of Atlantic Pl. so we can shower the city workers who are still taking huge, 1 foot deep squares out of Water St. and ruining my tires. Or the trackfield in Mt. Pearl. Since the Goo Goo Dolls recently discovered that no one gives a shit about them anymore, I don't believe availability would be an issue there. Or we could break up into smaller teams, set up camp on the roof of each Tim Horton's and let 'er rip on the lazy bastards in the drive thru. Or maybe we'll just go to each Bigstop and actually pee in the urinals and toilets, as opposed to on the floors. That would be a first. So many choices. And don't worry about having to report your # 2's and being embarrassed. I'll save that fundraiser idea for when Journey attempts a comeback or Chad Kroeger from Nikleback decides he's gonna get a decent haircut.
In the meantime, open your pocketbooks and drop your pants. The Irvings need you.
But I have never, ever experienced the rot, the filth, the fury that I have in the Irving Bigstops while travelling across this island in the middle of August. First off, the cute stick figure on the door with it's legs crossed is grossly inaccurate. The figure should be on it's knees, clenching it's throat with both hands and it should have little x'es for eyes and there should be a stream of vomit spewing out of it's mouth. Upon entry, it's similar to a hurricae Katrina aftermath. Human waste on the walls, streams of urine flowing across the foor, a dead cow hanging from a hole in the ceiling, electrical power lines sparking and fizzing, a dog floating by in a canoe howling for it's owner, homeless families on the roof waving a Newfoundland patriot flag to the rescue choppers above.....you get the picture.
You would think that a simple solution to this problem would be to schedule a full time bathroom attendant throughout the busy tourist season. But we have to remember...it's the Irvings. This is a blue collar, hard working, low income family trying to make a go of a struggling business. They come from humble beginnings, they are trying to get a simple cottage industry off the ground, attempting to get their name recognizable in a province where there are SO many other big-business, corporate type bigstop operations monopolizing our highways. They just can't compete, especially if they have to hire a bathroom attendant at each location. But Newfoundlanders are known for coming together to help the downtrodden. So I have a solution. I want to start a fundraiser for the Irvings so they can hire their bathroom attendants. I know it is their dream to show appreciation and gratitude to their meager 4 or 5 customers by keeping their bathrooms clean so here is my plan. It's gonna be called "The Bigstop Pee-A-Thon". I'll hand you all out pledge sheets that you can go door to door with.....50 cents, a toonie, whatever. We'll all get together for the big day, date to be determined. Every time you pee, your pledges will go towards the Irvings. For the pee-a-thon venue, I had a few places in mind....on top of Atlantic Pl. so we can shower the city workers who are still taking huge, 1 foot deep squares out of Water St. and ruining my tires. Or the trackfield in Mt. Pearl. Since the Goo Goo Dolls recently discovered that no one gives a shit about them anymore, I don't believe availability would be an issue there. Or we could break up into smaller teams, set up camp on the roof of each Tim Horton's and let 'er rip on the lazy bastards in the drive thru. Or maybe we'll just go to each Bigstop and actually pee in the urinals and toilets, as opposed to on the floors. That would be a first. So many choices. And don't worry about having to report your # 2's and being embarrassed. I'll save that fundraiser idea for when Journey attempts a comeback or Chad Kroeger from Nikleback decides he's gonna get a decent haircut.
In the meantime, open your pocketbooks and drop your pants. The Irvings need you.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
why I left facebook
So, I've been off assfacebook for the past few weeks and the feelings of peace, clarity, calmness and isolation from people I don't give a shit about are absolutely brilliant. I know I am guilty of being a "user" for the past couple of years. It did allow me to reconnect with old friends and relatives. That's cool but once you reconnect, what then? Life goes on, that's what. So now that I've kicked the habit, I feel I can preach about how stupid it is. I guess I feel that I'm better than the people still on dickfacebook. I am ashamed of myself for being a dirtbagbook member for so long but I'm patting myself on the back now for growing up, getting a life and leaving greenbabycrapbook behind. It did take a few days to get over it though. I would get up in the morning and feel my fingers start to automatically type those 8magical words into google that would open up a world of addictive, meaningless bullshit for another day. But a few days on the wagon was all it took to kick it.
The euphoric sensation of being removed from shitbook far outweighed the.......
-self glorification and bragging from my friends about tests, jobs, kids I never fucking met, fitness classes, trips, breakups, hook-ups, etc...
-the sickening, vomit-inducing pleads for sympathy (ie. status update - I don't feel good tonight. reply - ahhh, hope you feel better sweetums)
-pics of parties with really cool people that i will never be cool enough to share the same room with
-fucking farmville updates
-poker scores (that's awsome joey, good work. now see if you can stay inside the lines when you color the red barn)
-pics of new toys that my toejambook friends purchased (you make money and buy things...wow, that is so awsome.)
-pics of home renos.....does anyone really give a shit besides their mother? Really?
-useless mucusbook groups that are created for a cause and hepatitisbook friends sign up as supporters and whine about the cause but never actually take action for the cause
-bungholebook friends fighting with each other publicly thru typing instead of doing it the old fashioned way
-infuriating bastards who type one or two words and then see what kind of reaction they get from their snotbook friends because they are desperate for attention and if they get a dozen or more responses, they feel like they acutally serve a purpose in life and their existence is therefore justified (ie. status update from infuriating bastard- should I? reply from infuriating bastard's infuriating pissbook friend- damn straight girl, go for it!)
-disturbing pics of youngsters with not much on
-even more disturbing pics of adults with not much on
-the oh-so poignant, witty philosophies on life
-the updates on what was eaten for dinner and the ensuing texture of the bowel movement afterwards
-assholes who have 800 afterbirthbook friends because they want to be as popular as Jesus. Try this test, superstar. Leave facebook without telling anyone. Wait a week and see how many of your "friends" notice your absence. See? You weren't Jesus afterall. Your diarrheabook friends were too busy playing online poker in an inappropriate outfit that shows their age while bragging about their new car and the great dinner they just cooked and the great crap they just shat out, posting pics of their wild night downtown, giving their uneducated, laughable opinions on world events, arguing with a "friend" about which twit on Grey's Anatomy is sexier, whilst sharing some redneck shit country song on their status for all the world to hate, joining a group with a cause that won't do jack shit, adding friends at a rate of 20 per day because they were ignored as a child and...
above all...
pissing their life away.
I feel comfortable in saying all this because my real friends aren't offended, they understand my caustic ways. Those that are offended don't matter. I've come to realize thru chronichalitosisbook that a real friend and a maggotbook friend are two totally different things and too many idiots can't tell the difference. That's why they are still on there, playing fucking farmville and posting one liners.
The euphoric sensation of being removed from shitbook far outweighed the.......
-self glorification and bragging from my friends about tests, jobs, kids I never fucking met, fitness classes, trips, breakups, hook-ups, etc...
-the sickening, vomit-inducing pleads for sympathy (ie. status update - I don't feel good tonight. reply - ahhh, hope you feel better sweetums)
-pics of parties with really cool people that i will never be cool enough to share the same room with
-fucking farmville updates
-poker scores (that's awsome joey, good work. now see if you can stay inside the lines when you color the red barn)
-pics of new toys that my toejambook friends purchased (you make money and buy things...wow, that is so awsome.)
-pics of home renos.....does anyone really give a shit besides their mother? Really?
-useless mucusbook groups that are created for a cause and hepatitisbook friends sign up as supporters and whine about the cause but never actually take action for the cause
-bungholebook friends fighting with each other publicly thru typing instead of doing it the old fashioned way
-infuriating bastards who type one or two words and then see what kind of reaction they get from their snotbook friends because they are desperate for attention and if they get a dozen or more responses, they feel like they acutally serve a purpose in life and their existence is therefore justified (ie. status update from infuriating bastard- should I? reply from infuriating bastard's infuriating pissbook friend- damn straight girl, go for it!)
-disturbing pics of youngsters with not much on
-even more disturbing pics of adults with not much on
-the oh-so poignant, witty philosophies on life
-the updates on what was eaten for dinner and the ensuing texture of the bowel movement afterwards
-assholes who have 800 afterbirthbook friends because they want to be as popular as Jesus. Try this test, superstar. Leave facebook without telling anyone. Wait a week and see how many of your "friends" notice your absence. See? You weren't Jesus afterall. Your diarrheabook friends were too busy playing online poker in an inappropriate outfit that shows their age while bragging about their new car and the great dinner they just cooked and the great crap they just shat out, posting pics of their wild night downtown, giving their uneducated, laughable opinions on world events, arguing with a "friend" about which twit on Grey's Anatomy is sexier, whilst sharing some redneck shit country song on their status for all the world to hate, joining a group with a cause that won't do jack shit, adding friends at a rate of 20 per day because they were ignored as a child and...
above all...
pissing their life away.
I feel comfortable in saying all this because my real friends aren't offended, they understand my caustic ways. Those that are offended don't matter. I've come to realize thru chronichalitosisbook that a real friend and a maggotbook friend are two totally different things and too many idiots can't tell the difference. That's why they are still on there, playing fucking farmville and posting one liners.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
top 10 alternate uses for crappy products
This is a pretty straightforward topic so i don't think an introduction or explanation is necessary. Let's jump right in shall we?
1. Looking for a coaster so you won't ruin that fine coffee table? How about a little frisbee for your teacup maltipoo? Try U2's latest CD.
2. If you are trying to ditch a girl but don't know how to do it without breaking her heart, put on Journey's greatest hits the next time things are starting to heat up. You'll have a floppy penis in no time and then you can tell her you are impotent. She'll run like the wind.
3. Corona - this is a great windshield wash for your car. A six pack should take care of two compact vehicles. Excellent on hardwood too....a doz box will have the deck of your boat sparkling. The first idiot north american tourist to ever visit mexico came back and told everyone that corona was a beer. It is not a beer. The Mexicans don't go near it and neither should you.
4. If you are ever in a situation where you have a member of Jihad held captive and you are intent in finding out Bin Laden's whereabouts, bound him/her and put in a white room. Install high quality Bose speakers in all 4 corners and play "Still haven't met you yet" by Michael Buble continuously. He/she should crack inside of an hour. But if he/she is a real hardened, suicidal motherf&^%er, drag in Lady Gaga and threaten to rip her mask and hat off. He/she will be chirping like a bird.
5. As we all know, every bag of party mix contains 4.5 lbs of pretzels. No one likes pretzels. No one likes wood chips with road salt glued on. Have some respect for your stomach. You can get enough from 3 bags of party mix to build an entertainment unit for the old flatscreen. Give your rec room an exotic look that all your neighbors will be envious over.
6. If you have a big ultimate fighting championship coming up and are trying to get in a vicious mood, log on to facebook and read some of the stupid shit that your friends are putting in their status updates. A few minutes of scrolling should get you blind with anger and prepared to give your opponent a royal snot kicking.
7. Landfill is needed by many people for a variety of reasons. Could be a contractor building a commercials structure. could be a homeowner doing some garden work. whatever the reason, your cheapest and safest bet is a trip to the elctronics department at XScargo. These products surely won't work but damn, they are cheap and can fill a hole.
8. Are you a Rogers cellphone owner? You sorry sorry bastard. No reception if you leave St. John's, drive under the shadow of a light pole, go to the mall, turn left in your car or come within 10 meters of a duck crossing? Well, all is not lost. Get 4phones for the 3 yr contract and simply use them as break pads on your car. comes out to about the same price overall....maybe even a savings.
9. Purity hardtack bread - oh my.....where to start with this one.....well, if it's used dry, you can tie 4 pieces on to 4 corners of a fishing net, head to middle cove beach during caplin season and give 'er. If sanded down properly, they make great floor protectors under the legs of your sofa. If it's used wet, they make a good dental mold for your child's braces. Or you can just throw a wet slab at your living room wall and then mount that family portrait.
10. If you have some built up anger that you need to release in a healthy manner, grab a baseball bat, matches, lighter fluid and $100 and head out on a sunday afternoon. Find a yard sale (ie. "I need to get rid of all my useless shit and hopefully an idiot will come by and pay for it" sale) Offer the home owner the $100 for everything. Since everything in the garden is worth about $7.50, he'll start drooling and take your cash. Then, take the bat and beat the shit out of everything......the rusty easy bake oven with all the essential parts missing, the cheesy wooden "home sweet home" sign, the King Ralph video cassette, the Big Wheels with only two wheels, the computer monitor from Radio Shack. Put a vicious beating on all of it. Then take the lighter fluid and matches and burn the 1994 People magazine with Luke Perry on the cover, the musty toilet paper doilies and the Harlequin Romances with the wrinkly yellow pages. You are feeling much better now so throw the guy another 20 for cleaning costs.
If you feel this blog is a crappy product....here's another use....print it off...roll it up....you can fill in the rest.
1. Looking for a coaster so you won't ruin that fine coffee table? How about a little frisbee for your teacup maltipoo? Try U2's latest CD.
2. If you are trying to ditch a girl but don't know how to do it without breaking her heart, put on Journey's greatest hits the next time things are starting to heat up. You'll have a floppy penis in no time and then you can tell her you are impotent. She'll run like the wind.
3. Corona - this is a great windshield wash for your car. A six pack should take care of two compact vehicles. Excellent on hardwood too....a doz box will have the deck of your boat sparkling. The first idiot north american tourist to ever visit mexico came back and told everyone that corona was a beer. It is not a beer. The Mexicans don't go near it and neither should you.
4. If you are ever in a situation where you have a member of Jihad held captive and you are intent in finding out Bin Laden's whereabouts, bound him/her and put in a white room. Install high quality Bose speakers in all 4 corners and play "Still haven't met you yet" by Michael Buble continuously. He/she should crack inside of an hour. But if he/she is a real hardened, suicidal motherf&^%er, drag in Lady Gaga and threaten to rip her mask and hat off. He/she will be chirping like a bird.
5. As we all know, every bag of party mix contains 4.5 lbs of pretzels. No one likes pretzels. No one likes wood chips with road salt glued on. Have some respect for your stomach. You can get enough from 3 bags of party mix to build an entertainment unit for the old flatscreen. Give your rec room an exotic look that all your neighbors will be envious over.
6. If you have a big ultimate fighting championship coming up and are trying to get in a vicious mood, log on to facebook and read some of the stupid shit that your friends are putting in their status updates. A few minutes of scrolling should get you blind with anger and prepared to give your opponent a royal snot kicking.
7. Landfill is needed by many people for a variety of reasons. Could be a contractor building a commercials structure. could be a homeowner doing some garden work. whatever the reason, your cheapest and safest bet is a trip to the elctronics department at XScargo. These products surely won't work but damn, they are cheap and can fill a hole.
8. Are you a Rogers cellphone owner? You sorry sorry bastard. No reception if you leave St. John's, drive under the shadow of a light pole, go to the mall, turn left in your car or come within 10 meters of a duck crossing? Well, all is not lost. Get 4phones for the 3 yr contract and simply use them as break pads on your car. comes out to about the same price overall....maybe even a savings.
9. Purity hardtack bread - oh my.....where to start with this one.....well, if it's used dry, you can tie 4 pieces on to 4 corners of a fishing net, head to middle cove beach during caplin season and give 'er. If sanded down properly, they make great floor protectors under the legs of your sofa. If it's used wet, they make a good dental mold for your child's braces. Or you can just throw a wet slab at your living room wall and then mount that family portrait.
10. If you have some built up anger that you need to release in a healthy manner, grab a baseball bat, matches, lighter fluid and $100 and head out on a sunday afternoon. Find a yard sale (ie. "I need to get rid of all my useless shit and hopefully an idiot will come by and pay for it" sale) Offer the home owner the $100 for everything. Since everything in the garden is worth about $7.50, he'll start drooling and take your cash. Then, take the bat and beat the shit out of everything......the rusty easy bake oven with all the essential parts missing, the cheesy wooden "home sweet home" sign, the King Ralph video cassette, the Big Wheels with only two wheels, the computer monitor from Radio Shack. Put a vicious beating on all of it. Then take the lighter fluid and matches and burn the 1994 People magazine with Luke Perry on the cover, the musty toilet paper doilies and the Harlequin Romances with the wrinkly yellow pages. You are feeling much better now so throw the guy another 20 for cleaning costs.
If you feel this blog is a crappy product....here's another use....print it off...roll it up....you can fill in the rest.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)