It's under 2 weeks til xmas but the shopping frenzy has been well under way for a good 6 weeks now. It's a very stressful time for me...not because of the traffic, the lineups, rude shoppers or crappy elevator music. It's stressful because of the intensive inquisition I am subjected to by the dreaded, evil cashier. I find myself studying and rehearsing before called upon to "proceed to checkout # 2". But no amount of studying can prepare me well enough.
It goes something like this.....
"are you aware of the deal of the day?" - yes
"did you find everything you were looking for?" - yes
"cash, visa or debit?" - debit
"would you like cash back?" - no
"can I have your postal code?" - a1e1a8
"would you like to be added to our email list?" - no
"can you slide your chip card into the bottom thingy?" - sure
"did you bring your own bags?" - ahh...."DID YOU BRING YOUR OWN BAGS?" - no, jesus
"do you have an airmiles card?" - yes
"do you have a zellers card?" - no
"do you have a Shoppers optimum card?" - no
"would you like to donate a dollar towards the janeway?" - no. shit, I mean yes
"would you like to donate a dollar towards saving the seals?" - no
"clubbing the seals?" - no
"adopting a seal?" - no
"how about the dude who had his guitar stolen on George St. a few years back?" - no
"Igor?" - already did
"is it still raining outside?" - yes
"would you like to add a tip?" - no
"do you want an extended warranty for just $20?" - no
"would you like your receipt?" - yes
"can we do anything else for you today?" - no
So, after 12 gruelling minutes, I leave mentally exhausted and a bit violated.
I think it is time that we dish some of this consumer psychological warfare back on the cashiers. It is our money being spent. We should be asking the questions. You with me? OK, here are a few to get you started......
- "I'm a strong proponent of paying it forward. Can the lady at the back of the line pay for me?"
- "I'm shopping for many friends and family today. Can you break open this bag of chocolate balls and bag individually?"
- "These ribbed condoms feel no different to me, can I get a refund on the other 11?"
- "Would you like to deduct $2 of my purchase towards Jeff's Shopping Foundation?"
- "If I pummel the guy in back of me with the cart rammed up my ass, how many seconds do I have to flee before security comes running?"
- "Can you put this blindfold on while I enter my PIN?"
- "I didn't find everything I was looking for. Awkward?"
- "If I tattooed a bar code on my ass and scanned it, how much would I cost?"
- "Can I pay with my NLC card?"
- "How come expectant mothers can work up until their 8.5 month but get primo spots next to the front entrance?"
- "Do you purposely leave the 4th wheel broken on every cart so I'll be forced to buy more robaxacet or has the shopping cart engineer been on sick leave for the past 30 years?"
- "Why do the staff here run away when I look lost or confused? Is it my breath or are they having a big game of dodge ball and think I have the ball"
- "Why can't anyone answer that god damned phone that's been ringing in the sports department for the past 45 minutes?"
- "What is so dangerous or valuable in the change rooms that you need the master key keeper of the kingdom with the long cape and pointy hat to allow me access? Will I accidentally slip thru the mirror and into another dimension if not assisted by a professional?"
- "I noticed that you've been bitching about your schedule with your neighbor cashier because Josephine called in sick again. Is it ok if I work the rest of your shift for you so I can get the f#$k out of here sometime this evening?"
These are just a few to get you started. Don't worry about memorizing them, I'm sure you can come up with the appropriate questions if you are pissed off enough. Remember, it's up to all of us to collectively put the cuss back in customer service.
Merry Xmas.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
AFWSDDGCD
Warning - you may not find this rant as lighthearted, amusing and witty as those in the past because there is nothing funny about Acute Four Way Stop Dysfuntionality Deficit Genetic Conditional Disorder. AFWSDDGCD drives 1 in 1.5 Newfoundlanders insane every year and is the # 1 reason for alcohol abuse and hair loss in our province. If we were allowed guns in our cars, it would also be the # 1 cause of death.
I touched on four way stops before in another rant, as my 4 fans may recall. I discussed the simple rules. I guess if I had more fans, there wouldn't have been sirens blaring across the twin cities all week. We survived this past week without even one fatality at our intersections. I CANNOT EFFING BELIEVE IT. To any tourists that experienced the torture of a four way stop this week in "The City of Legends", my sincere apologies. Don't hold it against us. Carry on with the newfie jokes, you have every right.
Yes, a lot of us are a tad touched, due to generations of mixed breeding on an isolated island. But that still doesn't excuse our stupidity on the Prince Phillip. Afterall, you can teach a hamster to walk thru a maze for a bit of cheese. Monkeys are known to kick ass with a couple of cymbals. My dog can dance for a tasty morsel of dried pork lung. Some youngsters can stand up and walk not long after their first birthday. Orcas know how to tagteam a minke without even knowing how to talk and they don't have the dexterity to carry a whistle. So no, we have no excuse. Or do we...I did some research and AFWSDDGCD is a real problem in NL. Of course, we have another problem in NL. It is overrun with assholes. Never mind the moose, give us lisences to hunt assholes.
I have a short term and long term plan to battle this problem.
First, every driver in the province should be hauled into young drivers right now and given a written and hands on test on four way stops. Those that fail(approx.400 000) get their license ripped up and burned.
Second, the school for the deaf building on Topsail Rd can be reopened as a four way stop training school for the aforementioned 400 000 idiots and assholes. That will cost a bit of cash in renos (ie. driving courses and torture chambers) but the teachers will work for close to nothing. They don't expect money for their services....just a bit of cheese, pork lung, a few decent cymbals, a warm bottle of breast milk or a few minke steaks.
Third, funding should be put into public schools on four way stop education and hammered into the children's heads year after year, just like John Cabot's historic 1892 voyage to Nl....from grade one, right up until graduation. His celebratory landing and subsequent invention of a tasty beer as a tribute to our beautiful countryside is a landmark date I will never forget. I am living proof that the system works.
Fourth, get rid of all the lights in the twin cities. Force people to survive on four way stops. Many of the stupid and the greedy will be wiped off the map in the first 3 weeks due to collisions so it'll curtail some of the registration and overcrowding problems at the school.
Fifth, any sneaky little weasle asshole who rushes out behind the one car that is supposed to go, hands their car over for auction. $ raised goes towards a AFWSDDGCD fund. The big intersections should be patrolled by extremely big, heavy and intimidating guys with weapons to ensure the perpetrators are caught. Punishment would involve directing traffic at that intersection, naked, for one week.
I know it sounds like an impossible dream. But if Tim Horton's can teach thousands of people across NL to unecessarily sit in their cars at a standstill for 40 minutes each morning, mid morning, lunch time and mid afternoon......well, anything is possible.
Maybe if we set up a Tim Horton's drive thru speaker at each intersection to direct traffic...hhhmmmmmm......if you are heading east, it could scream "medium double double - go!" If you are heading west, "sorry we don't have any blueberry bagles - go!". If you are heading south, "two large, one cream, two sugar twin - go!". And if you are heading north, "would you like to donate a dollar to the tim horton's children's ranch - go!".
That just might work. Remember where you heard it first.
I touched on four way stops before in another rant, as my 4 fans may recall. I discussed the simple rules. I guess if I had more fans, there wouldn't have been sirens blaring across the twin cities all week. We survived this past week without even one fatality at our intersections. I CANNOT EFFING BELIEVE IT. To any tourists that experienced the torture of a four way stop this week in "The City of Legends", my sincere apologies. Don't hold it against us. Carry on with the newfie jokes, you have every right.
Yes, a lot of us are a tad touched, due to generations of mixed breeding on an isolated island. But that still doesn't excuse our stupidity on the Prince Phillip. Afterall, you can teach a hamster to walk thru a maze for a bit of cheese. Monkeys are known to kick ass with a couple of cymbals. My dog can dance for a tasty morsel of dried pork lung. Some youngsters can stand up and walk not long after their first birthday. Orcas know how to tagteam a minke without even knowing how to talk and they don't have the dexterity to carry a whistle. So no, we have no excuse. Or do we...I did some research and AFWSDDGCD is a real problem in NL. Of course, we have another problem in NL. It is overrun with assholes. Never mind the moose, give us lisences to hunt assholes.
I have a short term and long term plan to battle this problem.
First, every driver in the province should be hauled into young drivers right now and given a written and hands on test on four way stops. Those that fail(approx.400 000) get their license ripped up and burned.
Second, the school for the deaf building on Topsail Rd can be reopened as a four way stop training school for the aforementioned 400 000 idiots and assholes. That will cost a bit of cash in renos (ie. driving courses and torture chambers) but the teachers will work for close to nothing. They don't expect money for their services....just a bit of cheese, pork lung, a few decent cymbals, a warm bottle of breast milk or a few minke steaks.
Third, funding should be put into public schools on four way stop education and hammered into the children's heads year after year, just like John Cabot's historic 1892 voyage to Nl....from grade one, right up until graduation. His celebratory landing and subsequent invention of a tasty beer as a tribute to our beautiful countryside is a landmark date I will never forget. I am living proof that the system works.
Fourth, get rid of all the lights in the twin cities. Force people to survive on four way stops. Many of the stupid and the greedy will be wiped off the map in the first 3 weeks due to collisions so it'll curtail some of the registration and overcrowding problems at the school.
Fifth, any sneaky little weasle asshole who rushes out behind the one car that is supposed to go, hands their car over for auction. $ raised goes towards a AFWSDDGCD fund. The big intersections should be patrolled by extremely big, heavy and intimidating guys with weapons to ensure the perpetrators are caught. Punishment would involve directing traffic at that intersection, naked, for one week.
I know it sounds like an impossible dream. But if Tim Horton's can teach thousands of people across NL to unecessarily sit in their cars at a standstill for 40 minutes each morning, mid morning, lunch time and mid afternoon......well, anything is possible.
Maybe if we set up a Tim Horton's drive thru speaker at each intersection to direct traffic...hhhmmmmmm......if you are heading east, it could scream "medium double double - go!" If you are heading west, "sorry we don't have any blueberry bagles - go!". If you are heading south, "two large, one cream, two sugar twin - go!". And if you are heading north, "would you like to donate a dollar to the tim horton's children's ranch - go!".
That just might work. Remember where you heard it first.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Please give from the heart....and bladder.
I've seen some nasty public washrooms in my time. I've squatted in Korean nightclubs in the wee hours of the morning when no one really pays attention to whether the door has a picture of a dude or a gal on it. I've experienced the last stop in Spain before you get the ferry to Morocco. All the incoming Moroccon vacationers use this stop after their journey to wash their face, feet, hair, relieve themselves, throw away 8 bags of garbage, etc...quite a busy joint....the day I was there, the sewage pipes busted from the pressure. While peeing in an outhouse on a remote island (Ko Mak) in Thailand, I was applauded by 3 supportive geckos. In the Philippines, a very affectionate cockroach nestled up against my ankle while I was taking a whiz. Even here in our beloved NL, i've had the pleasure of using the great pee tent...you know, the one where there is a 30 foot long trough for all the guys to give 'er whle the drunk gals are trying to climb up over the canvas wall to take a peek.
But I have never, ever experienced the rot, the filth, the fury that I have in the Irving Bigstops while travelling across this island in the middle of August. First off, the cute stick figure on the door with it's legs crossed is grossly inaccurate. The figure should be on it's knees, clenching it's throat with both hands and it should have little x'es for eyes and there should be a stream of vomit spewing out of it's mouth. Upon entry, it's similar to a hurricae Katrina aftermath. Human waste on the walls, streams of urine flowing across the foor, a dead cow hanging from a hole in the ceiling, electrical power lines sparking and fizzing, a dog floating by in a canoe howling for it's owner, homeless families on the roof waving a Newfoundland patriot flag to the rescue choppers above.....you get the picture.
You would think that a simple solution to this problem would be to schedule a full time bathroom attendant throughout the busy tourist season. But we have to remember...it's the Irvings. This is a blue collar, hard working, low income family trying to make a go of a struggling business. They come from humble beginnings, they are trying to get a simple cottage industry off the ground, attempting to get their name recognizable in a province where there are SO many other big-business, corporate type bigstop operations monopolizing our highways. They just can't compete, especially if they have to hire a bathroom attendant at each location. But Newfoundlanders are known for coming together to help the downtrodden. So I have a solution. I want to start a fundraiser for the Irvings so they can hire their bathroom attendants. I know it is their dream to show appreciation and gratitude to their meager 4 or 5 customers by keeping their bathrooms clean so here is my plan. It's gonna be called "The Bigstop Pee-A-Thon". I'll hand you all out pledge sheets that you can go door to door with.....50 cents, a toonie, whatever. We'll all get together for the big day, date to be determined. Every time you pee, your pledges will go towards the Irvings. For the pee-a-thon venue, I had a few places in mind....on top of Atlantic Pl. so we can shower the city workers who are still taking huge, 1 foot deep squares out of Water St. and ruining my tires. Or the trackfield in Mt. Pearl. Since the Goo Goo Dolls recently discovered that no one gives a shit about them anymore, I don't believe availability would be an issue there. Or we could break up into smaller teams, set up camp on the roof of each Tim Horton's and let 'er rip on the lazy bastards in the drive thru. Or maybe we'll just go to each Bigstop and actually pee in the urinals and toilets, as opposed to on the floors. That would be a first. So many choices. And don't worry about having to report your # 2's and being embarrassed. I'll save that fundraiser idea for when Journey attempts a comeback or Chad Kroeger from Nikleback decides he's gonna get a decent haircut.
In the meantime, open your pocketbooks and drop your pants. The Irvings need you.
But I have never, ever experienced the rot, the filth, the fury that I have in the Irving Bigstops while travelling across this island in the middle of August. First off, the cute stick figure on the door with it's legs crossed is grossly inaccurate. The figure should be on it's knees, clenching it's throat with both hands and it should have little x'es for eyes and there should be a stream of vomit spewing out of it's mouth. Upon entry, it's similar to a hurricae Katrina aftermath. Human waste on the walls, streams of urine flowing across the foor, a dead cow hanging from a hole in the ceiling, electrical power lines sparking and fizzing, a dog floating by in a canoe howling for it's owner, homeless families on the roof waving a Newfoundland patriot flag to the rescue choppers above.....you get the picture.
You would think that a simple solution to this problem would be to schedule a full time bathroom attendant throughout the busy tourist season. But we have to remember...it's the Irvings. This is a blue collar, hard working, low income family trying to make a go of a struggling business. They come from humble beginnings, they are trying to get a simple cottage industry off the ground, attempting to get their name recognizable in a province where there are SO many other big-business, corporate type bigstop operations monopolizing our highways. They just can't compete, especially if they have to hire a bathroom attendant at each location. But Newfoundlanders are known for coming together to help the downtrodden. So I have a solution. I want to start a fundraiser for the Irvings so they can hire their bathroom attendants. I know it is their dream to show appreciation and gratitude to their meager 4 or 5 customers by keeping their bathrooms clean so here is my plan. It's gonna be called "The Bigstop Pee-A-Thon". I'll hand you all out pledge sheets that you can go door to door with.....50 cents, a toonie, whatever. We'll all get together for the big day, date to be determined. Every time you pee, your pledges will go towards the Irvings. For the pee-a-thon venue, I had a few places in mind....on top of Atlantic Pl. so we can shower the city workers who are still taking huge, 1 foot deep squares out of Water St. and ruining my tires. Or the trackfield in Mt. Pearl. Since the Goo Goo Dolls recently discovered that no one gives a shit about them anymore, I don't believe availability would be an issue there. Or we could break up into smaller teams, set up camp on the roof of each Tim Horton's and let 'er rip on the lazy bastards in the drive thru. Or maybe we'll just go to each Bigstop and actually pee in the urinals and toilets, as opposed to on the floors. That would be a first. So many choices. And don't worry about having to report your # 2's and being embarrassed. I'll save that fundraiser idea for when Journey attempts a comeback or Chad Kroeger from Nikleback decides he's gonna get a decent haircut.
In the meantime, open your pocketbooks and drop your pants. The Irvings need you.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
why I left facebook
So, I've been off assfacebook for the past few weeks and the feelings of peace, clarity, calmness and isolation from people I don't give a shit about are absolutely brilliant. I know I am guilty of being a "user" for the past couple of years. It did allow me to reconnect with old friends and relatives. That's cool but once you reconnect, what then? Life goes on, that's what. So now that I've kicked the habit, I feel I can preach about how stupid it is. I guess I feel that I'm better than the people still on dickfacebook. I am ashamed of myself for being a dirtbagbook member for so long but I'm patting myself on the back now for growing up, getting a life and leaving greenbabycrapbook behind. It did take a few days to get over it though. I would get up in the morning and feel my fingers start to automatically type those 8magical words into google that would open up a world of addictive, meaningless bullshit for another day. But a few days on the wagon was all it took to kick it.
The euphoric sensation of being removed from shitbook far outweighed the.......
-self glorification and bragging from my friends about tests, jobs, kids I never fucking met, fitness classes, trips, breakups, hook-ups, etc...
-the sickening, vomit-inducing pleads for sympathy (ie. status update - I don't feel good tonight. reply - ahhh, hope you feel better sweetums)
-pics of parties with really cool people that i will never be cool enough to share the same room with
-fucking farmville updates
-poker scores (that's awsome joey, good work. now see if you can stay inside the lines when you color the red barn)
-pics of new toys that my toejambook friends purchased (you make money and buy things...wow, that is so awsome.)
-pics of home renos.....does anyone really give a shit besides their mother? Really?
-useless mucusbook groups that are created for a cause and hepatitisbook friends sign up as supporters and whine about the cause but never actually take action for the cause
-bungholebook friends fighting with each other publicly thru typing instead of doing it the old fashioned way
-infuriating bastards who type one or two words and then see what kind of reaction they get from their snotbook friends because they are desperate for attention and if they get a dozen or more responses, they feel like they acutally serve a purpose in life and their existence is therefore justified (ie. status update from infuriating bastard- should I? reply from infuriating bastard's infuriating pissbook friend- damn straight girl, go for it!)
-disturbing pics of youngsters with not much on
-even more disturbing pics of adults with not much on
-the oh-so poignant, witty philosophies on life
-the updates on what was eaten for dinner and the ensuing texture of the bowel movement afterwards
-assholes who have 800 afterbirthbook friends because they want to be as popular as Jesus. Try this test, superstar. Leave facebook without telling anyone. Wait a week and see how many of your "friends" notice your absence. See? You weren't Jesus afterall. Your diarrheabook friends were too busy playing online poker in an inappropriate outfit that shows their age while bragging about their new car and the great dinner they just cooked and the great crap they just shat out, posting pics of their wild night downtown, giving their uneducated, laughable opinions on world events, arguing with a "friend" about which twit on Grey's Anatomy is sexier, whilst sharing some redneck shit country song on their status for all the world to hate, joining a group with a cause that won't do jack shit, adding friends at a rate of 20 per day because they were ignored as a child and...
above all...
pissing their life away.
I feel comfortable in saying all this because my real friends aren't offended, they understand my caustic ways. Those that are offended don't matter. I've come to realize thru chronichalitosisbook that a real friend and a maggotbook friend are two totally different things and too many idiots can't tell the difference. That's why they are still on there, playing fucking farmville and posting one liners.
The euphoric sensation of being removed from shitbook far outweighed the.......
-self glorification and bragging from my friends about tests, jobs, kids I never fucking met, fitness classes, trips, breakups, hook-ups, etc...
-the sickening, vomit-inducing pleads for sympathy (ie. status update - I don't feel good tonight. reply - ahhh, hope you feel better sweetums)
-pics of parties with really cool people that i will never be cool enough to share the same room with
-fucking farmville updates
-poker scores (that's awsome joey, good work. now see if you can stay inside the lines when you color the red barn)
-pics of new toys that my toejambook friends purchased (you make money and buy things...wow, that is so awsome.)
-pics of home renos.....does anyone really give a shit besides their mother? Really?
-useless mucusbook groups that are created for a cause and hepatitisbook friends sign up as supporters and whine about the cause but never actually take action for the cause
-bungholebook friends fighting with each other publicly thru typing instead of doing it the old fashioned way
-infuriating bastards who type one or two words and then see what kind of reaction they get from their snotbook friends because they are desperate for attention and if they get a dozen or more responses, they feel like they acutally serve a purpose in life and their existence is therefore justified (ie. status update from infuriating bastard- should I? reply from infuriating bastard's infuriating pissbook friend- damn straight girl, go for it!)
-disturbing pics of youngsters with not much on
-even more disturbing pics of adults with not much on
-the oh-so poignant, witty philosophies on life
-the updates on what was eaten for dinner and the ensuing texture of the bowel movement afterwards
-assholes who have 800 afterbirthbook friends because they want to be as popular as Jesus. Try this test, superstar. Leave facebook without telling anyone. Wait a week and see how many of your "friends" notice your absence. See? You weren't Jesus afterall. Your diarrheabook friends were too busy playing online poker in an inappropriate outfit that shows their age while bragging about their new car and the great dinner they just cooked and the great crap they just shat out, posting pics of their wild night downtown, giving their uneducated, laughable opinions on world events, arguing with a "friend" about which twit on Grey's Anatomy is sexier, whilst sharing some redneck shit country song on their status for all the world to hate, joining a group with a cause that won't do jack shit, adding friends at a rate of 20 per day because they were ignored as a child and...
above all...
pissing their life away.
I feel comfortable in saying all this because my real friends aren't offended, they understand my caustic ways. Those that are offended don't matter. I've come to realize thru chronichalitosisbook that a real friend and a maggotbook friend are two totally different things and too many idiots can't tell the difference. That's why they are still on there, playing fucking farmville and posting one liners.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
top 10 alternate uses for crappy products
This is a pretty straightforward topic so i don't think an introduction or explanation is necessary. Let's jump right in shall we?
1. Looking for a coaster so you won't ruin that fine coffee table? How about a little frisbee for your teacup maltipoo? Try U2's latest CD.
2. If you are trying to ditch a girl but don't know how to do it without breaking her heart, put on Journey's greatest hits the next time things are starting to heat up. You'll have a floppy penis in no time and then you can tell her you are impotent. She'll run like the wind.
3. Corona - this is a great windshield wash for your car. A six pack should take care of two compact vehicles. Excellent on hardwood too....a doz box will have the deck of your boat sparkling. The first idiot north american tourist to ever visit mexico came back and told everyone that corona was a beer. It is not a beer. The Mexicans don't go near it and neither should you.
4. If you are ever in a situation where you have a member of Jihad held captive and you are intent in finding out Bin Laden's whereabouts, bound him/her and put in a white room. Install high quality Bose speakers in all 4 corners and play "Still haven't met you yet" by Michael Buble continuously. He/she should crack inside of an hour. But if he/she is a real hardened, suicidal motherf&^%er, drag in Lady Gaga and threaten to rip her mask and hat off. He/she will be chirping like a bird.
5. As we all know, every bag of party mix contains 4.5 lbs of pretzels. No one likes pretzels. No one likes wood chips with road salt glued on. Have some respect for your stomach. You can get enough from 3 bags of party mix to build an entertainment unit for the old flatscreen. Give your rec room an exotic look that all your neighbors will be envious over.
6. If you have a big ultimate fighting championship coming up and are trying to get in a vicious mood, log on to facebook and read some of the stupid shit that your friends are putting in their status updates. A few minutes of scrolling should get you blind with anger and prepared to give your opponent a royal snot kicking.
7. Landfill is needed by many people for a variety of reasons. Could be a contractor building a commercials structure. could be a homeowner doing some garden work. whatever the reason, your cheapest and safest bet is a trip to the elctronics department at XScargo. These products surely won't work but damn, they are cheap and can fill a hole.
8. Are you a Rogers cellphone owner? You sorry sorry bastard. No reception if you leave St. John's, drive under the shadow of a light pole, go to the mall, turn left in your car or come within 10 meters of a duck crossing? Well, all is not lost. Get 4phones for the 3 yr contract and simply use them as break pads on your car. comes out to about the same price overall....maybe even a savings.
9. Purity hardtack bread - oh my.....where to start with this one.....well, if it's used dry, you can tie 4 pieces on to 4 corners of a fishing net, head to middle cove beach during caplin season and give 'er. If sanded down properly, they make great floor protectors under the legs of your sofa. If it's used wet, they make a good dental mold for your child's braces. Or you can just throw a wet slab at your living room wall and then mount that family portrait.
10. If you have some built up anger that you need to release in a healthy manner, grab a baseball bat, matches, lighter fluid and $100 and head out on a sunday afternoon. Find a yard sale (ie. "I need to get rid of all my useless shit and hopefully an idiot will come by and pay for it" sale) Offer the home owner the $100 for everything. Since everything in the garden is worth about $7.50, he'll start drooling and take your cash. Then, take the bat and beat the shit out of everything......the rusty easy bake oven with all the essential parts missing, the cheesy wooden "home sweet home" sign, the King Ralph video cassette, the Big Wheels with only two wheels, the computer monitor from Radio Shack. Put a vicious beating on all of it. Then take the lighter fluid and matches and burn the 1994 People magazine with Luke Perry on the cover, the musty toilet paper doilies and the Harlequin Romances with the wrinkly yellow pages. You are feeling much better now so throw the guy another 20 for cleaning costs.
If you feel this blog is a crappy product....here's another use....print it off...roll it up....you can fill in the rest.
1. Looking for a coaster so you won't ruin that fine coffee table? How about a little frisbee for your teacup maltipoo? Try U2's latest CD.
2. If you are trying to ditch a girl but don't know how to do it without breaking her heart, put on Journey's greatest hits the next time things are starting to heat up. You'll have a floppy penis in no time and then you can tell her you are impotent. She'll run like the wind.
3. Corona - this is a great windshield wash for your car. A six pack should take care of two compact vehicles. Excellent on hardwood too....a doz box will have the deck of your boat sparkling. The first idiot north american tourist to ever visit mexico came back and told everyone that corona was a beer. It is not a beer. The Mexicans don't go near it and neither should you.
4. If you are ever in a situation where you have a member of Jihad held captive and you are intent in finding out Bin Laden's whereabouts, bound him/her and put in a white room. Install high quality Bose speakers in all 4 corners and play "Still haven't met you yet" by Michael Buble continuously. He/she should crack inside of an hour. But if he/she is a real hardened, suicidal motherf&^%er, drag in Lady Gaga and threaten to rip her mask and hat off. He/she will be chirping like a bird.
5. As we all know, every bag of party mix contains 4.5 lbs of pretzels. No one likes pretzels. No one likes wood chips with road salt glued on. Have some respect for your stomach. You can get enough from 3 bags of party mix to build an entertainment unit for the old flatscreen. Give your rec room an exotic look that all your neighbors will be envious over.
6. If you have a big ultimate fighting championship coming up and are trying to get in a vicious mood, log on to facebook and read some of the stupid shit that your friends are putting in their status updates. A few minutes of scrolling should get you blind with anger and prepared to give your opponent a royal snot kicking.
7. Landfill is needed by many people for a variety of reasons. Could be a contractor building a commercials structure. could be a homeowner doing some garden work. whatever the reason, your cheapest and safest bet is a trip to the elctronics department at XScargo. These products surely won't work but damn, they are cheap and can fill a hole.
8. Are you a Rogers cellphone owner? You sorry sorry bastard. No reception if you leave St. John's, drive under the shadow of a light pole, go to the mall, turn left in your car or come within 10 meters of a duck crossing? Well, all is not lost. Get 4phones for the 3 yr contract and simply use them as break pads on your car. comes out to about the same price overall....maybe even a savings.
9. Purity hardtack bread - oh my.....where to start with this one.....well, if it's used dry, you can tie 4 pieces on to 4 corners of a fishing net, head to middle cove beach during caplin season and give 'er. If sanded down properly, they make great floor protectors under the legs of your sofa. If it's used wet, they make a good dental mold for your child's braces. Or you can just throw a wet slab at your living room wall and then mount that family portrait.
10. If you have some built up anger that you need to release in a healthy manner, grab a baseball bat, matches, lighter fluid and $100 and head out on a sunday afternoon. Find a yard sale (ie. "I need to get rid of all my useless shit and hopefully an idiot will come by and pay for it" sale) Offer the home owner the $100 for everything. Since everything in the garden is worth about $7.50, he'll start drooling and take your cash. Then, take the bat and beat the shit out of everything......the rusty easy bake oven with all the essential parts missing, the cheesy wooden "home sweet home" sign, the King Ralph video cassette, the Big Wheels with only two wheels, the computer monitor from Radio Shack. Put a vicious beating on all of it. Then take the lighter fluid and matches and burn the 1994 People magazine with Luke Perry on the cover, the musty toilet paper doilies and the Harlequin Romances with the wrinkly yellow pages. You are feeling much better now so throw the guy another 20 for cleaning costs.
If you feel this blog is a crappy product....here's another use....print it off...roll it up....you can fill in the rest.
Monday, July 19, 2010
customer appreciation
This entry is a simple letter of thanks to all those that have shown me excellent customer service over the years. I felt it appropriate to dedicate a blog entry to you all for enriching my life. You should get a tissue before reading on, as the sarcasm may drip on to your keyboard.
- thank you to the folks at Costco for not accepting credit cards. Much love to these ma and pa organizations that cannot afford the monthly fees associated with providing credit card service for their customers. Keep up the good fight, one day you'll make it. i know it is tough running a small business for the first couple of years but stay strong and determined...it'll come.
- thanks to Tim's for a number of things....not providing debit card service is one. Forcing your hard working customers to dig up change every time they want a $1.50 coffee is so old school and I love it. Thanks also for totally ignoring me when i actually come in to your establishment for a purchase instead of sitting on my lazy fat ass in the drive thru for 45 minutes. I think I now know how it feels to be on the lower end of a caste system in a 3rd world country. You have made me really appreciate the country I live in. Thanks also to Tim's for taking absolutley no accountability for the dangerous traffic jams caused by your drive thrus. I try to live by the philosophy of "ignore something long enough and hopefully it'll go away". I also have found exciting and interesting ways to get to work in order to avoid the grid lock you create every morning. There's a lot of cool little streets of St. John's i never knew existed so thanks.
- hats off to the corner store on Forest Rd. for charging an extra 48 cents on my debit if the purchase is under $5. This revenue generating creativity is 2nd to none. when it comes to $, who gives a shit about customers anyway? Really.
- much obliged to the girl at McDonalds drive thru. When I bought a happy meal for my niece once and asked what the prize of the week was, and she said "look in the bag and see for yourself", that really taught me to be resourceful and get out there and live my life instead of expecting everything to come to me. Thanks McDonalds girl, i won't forget you.
- my indebtedness to City Tire for selling me four winter tires for $270, two of which had 3 inch slashes in them. I learned to drive really well that first week i had them on.... the kind of driving that feels like you are driving down a flight of stairs....all the time. Now I can tackle any kind of discomfort in a car. I can fall alseep driving on a dirt road thru the mountains of Bolivia that has just been flattened by a rock slide in 45 degree temperatures with a dozen chickens cawk cawk cawking next to me and traditional latino music on crank with guerilla fighters shooting at me thru the trees. And not responding to my letter of complaint showed me that complaint letters are usually a waste of time if the product sucks. Thanks also for the most ironic mission statement on the planet.....i won't state it verbatim but it includes such buzz words as safety, quality, committment, etc....hilarious.
- much appreciation to atlantic lotto for sucking the paychecks out of thoudsands of newfoundlanders every Friday night and then not having the decency to install quality printers and computers that can tell people if they won on saturday morning. Tough love keeps them coming back, keep up the great work.
- thanks to the realtors in our "have" province for pumping the price of real estate thru the stratosphere, (all based on fictional reasons), and preventing lower income families from ever enjoying a home of their own. Atta way to keep out the undesirables! Good on ya!
- a sincere thank you to Air Canada for keeping me on hold for 90 minutes when my dad was dying because they wanted to confirm he was on his deathbed before selling me a family tragedy discount flight home from Alberta. That was the longest 90 minutes of my life so i thank you for extending my life a little more than it would otherwise have been. Life's so short, you guys helped lengthen it for me.
- thumbs up to the hundreds of convenience stores which are nothing more than gambling dens for all the addicts in our province. Even addicts need a place to call home and you have provided that tenfold. Everyone else has to suffer thru long lineups while they scratch and scratch and scratch but since you are doing it all from the goodness of your heart....thank you for your compassion.
- thanks to Shoppers Drug Mart for having monster sales on pepsi every 3rd day. Even though the lineups extend to the back of the store so i have no chance in hell of buying a birthday card in under 2 hrs and even though the incidents of obesity, heart disease and diabetes skyrocket during these epic sales......not sure what my point is on this one, sorry.
- thanks to Capital Hyundai for giving us a loner with an empty tank. (after failing to fix a problem in my wife's car 3 times) If it wasn't for this episode, who knows...maybe she'd still be driving a shitbox.
- thanks to the cashier lady at Marie's for letting everyone know in the store that her beautiful son got off on the assault charges. What would have been just a boring stop for a bag of chips turned into a hilarious story which I shared with my family and friends. I'll be back for more gossip, my dear.
- thanks to the local radio stations for bending over and taking it up the ass from CRTC for the past 50 yrs. Just imagine if you were born in america....you'd never have had the pleasure of hearing such stellar acts as Gowan, Frozen Ghost, Renee Simard, Trooper, Gino Vanelli, Sheriff, The Box, Candi, Parachute Club, Doug and the Slugs.......fingers are getting tired, must move on. you get the point right?
- 3 cheers to all the major food corporations for charging twice as much for healthy food. That's the way it should be....only the rich should be healthy. Afterall, if the poor are healthy, they may actually feel better about themselves, get stronger, rise up and want to take back control of their country. We can't have that, can we? Keep them addicted to cheap vienna sausages and pepsi and everything will be fine.
- thank you to Sears for advertising a 32 inch HD tv for $299, taking my visa, charging it, calling me back a week later to say that it wasn't available and then expecting me to wait 60 days to get the visa charge reversed. This opened my eyes to how corporations make their budget numbers in a soft quarter. Thanks, i'll remember that creative accounting trick when I open a shitty, overpriced, messy, understaffed retail store.
- thank you to actors who have sold out for a quick paycheck...Gerard Butler, Hugh Jackman and Bradley Cooper are just a few of the quiffs who fall into this category. They started out with promising careers in quality movies but the lure of Jennifer Aniston's bed and the wonderful world of chick flicks was too much for them. These guys have taught me that making $ is far more important than taking pride in your work. Keep at it guys, you are almost in the upper echelon of legendary actors actors like Patrick Dempsey and Hugh Grant. Just one or two more pathetic films and you'll go down in history as complete tools. (you'll be rich though, so that's cool)
- thank you to the fine folks at Dominion. What do i get for being a loyal customer and showing up as soon as the place opens on Saturday morning? I get no cashier. i get to check my own groceries thru a system that doesn't work 90% of the time. As a result, i'll sleep in a bit later and go when it's crazy busy. thank you for giving me a reason to sleep my saturday morning away. i'm sure I'll feel well rested because of your cost saving measures.
- thank you to our opposition leaders, past and present. (we pay all of the politicians' handsome salaries thru our taxes so yes, it does fall under customer appreciation) You have shown me that a dream job does exist.....getting paid to do absolutely nothing but travel and criticize others' actions. These are among my very favorite things to do and getting paid for it would be sweet. I wanna be one when i grow up.
So to all the fine people above (and oh so many more which i don't have the time or inclination to mention) that have helped shape and guide me thru my life thus far...i thank you. The experiences have been unforgettable, the lessons invaluable.
- thank you to the folks at Costco for not accepting credit cards. Much love to these ma and pa organizations that cannot afford the monthly fees associated with providing credit card service for their customers. Keep up the good fight, one day you'll make it. i know it is tough running a small business for the first couple of years but stay strong and determined...it'll come.
- thanks to Tim's for a number of things....not providing debit card service is one. Forcing your hard working customers to dig up change every time they want a $1.50 coffee is so old school and I love it. Thanks also for totally ignoring me when i actually come in to your establishment for a purchase instead of sitting on my lazy fat ass in the drive thru for 45 minutes. I think I now know how it feels to be on the lower end of a caste system in a 3rd world country. You have made me really appreciate the country I live in. Thanks also to Tim's for taking absolutley no accountability for the dangerous traffic jams caused by your drive thrus. I try to live by the philosophy of "ignore something long enough and hopefully it'll go away". I also have found exciting and interesting ways to get to work in order to avoid the grid lock you create every morning. There's a lot of cool little streets of St. John's i never knew existed so thanks.
- hats off to the corner store on Forest Rd. for charging an extra 48 cents on my debit if the purchase is under $5. This revenue generating creativity is 2nd to none. when it comes to $, who gives a shit about customers anyway? Really.
- much obliged to the girl at McDonalds drive thru. When I bought a happy meal for my niece once and asked what the prize of the week was, and she said "look in the bag and see for yourself", that really taught me to be resourceful and get out there and live my life instead of expecting everything to come to me. Thanks McDonalds girl, i won't forget you.
- my indebtedness to City Tire for selling me four winter tires for $270, two of which had 3 inch slashes in them. I learned to drive really well that first week i had them on.... the kind of driving that feels like you are driving down a flight of stairs....all the time. Now I can tackle any kind of discomfort in a car. I can fall alseep driving on a dirt road thru the mountains of Bolivia that has just been flattened by a rock slide in 45 degree temperatures with a dozen chickens cawk cawk cawking next to me and traditional latino music on crank with guerilla fighters shooting at me thru the trees. And not responding to my letter of complaint showed me that complaint letters are usually a waste of time if the product sucks. Thanks also for the most ironic mission statement on the planet.....i won't state it verbatim but it includes such buzz words as safety, quality, committment, etc....hilarious.
- much appreciation to atlantic lotto for sucking the paychecks out of thoudsands of newfoundlanders every Friday night and then not having the decency to install quality printers and computers that can tell people if they won on saturday morning. Tough love keeps them coming back, keep up the great work.
- thanks to the realtors in our "have" province for pumping the price of real estate thru the stratosphere, (all based on fictional reasons), and preventing lower income families from ever enjoying a home of their own. Atta way to keep out the undesirables! Good on ya!
- a sincere thank you to Air Canada for keeping me on hold for 90 minutes when my dad was dying because they wanted to confirm he was on his deathbed before selling me a family tragedy discount flight home from Alberta. That was the longest 90 minutes of my life so i thank you for extending my life a little more than it would otherwise have been. Life's so short, you guys helped lengthen it for me.
- thumbs up to the hundreds of convenience stores which are nothing more than gambling dens for all the addicts in our province. Even addicts need a place to call home and you have provided that tenfold. Everyone else has to suffer thru long lineups while they scratch and scratch and scratch but since you are doing it all from the goodness of your heart....thank you for your compassion.
- thanks to Shoppers Drug Mart for having monster sales on pepsi every 3rd day. Even though the lineups extend to the back of the store so i have no chance in hell of buying a birthday card in under 2 hrs and even though the incidents of obesity, heart disease and diabetes skyrocket during these epic sales......not sure what my point is on this one, sorry.
- thanks to Capital Hyundai for giving us a loner with an empty tank. (after failing to fix a problem in my wife's car 3 times) If it wasn't for this episode, who knows...maybe she'd still be driving a shitbox.
- thanks to the cashier lady at Marie's for letting everyone know in the store that her beautiful son got off on the assault charges. What would have been just a boring stop for a bag of chips turned into a hilarious story which I shared with my family and friends. I'll be back for more gossip, my dear.
- thanks to the local radio stations for bending over and taking it up the ass from CRTC for the past 50 yrs. Just imagine if you were born in america....you'd never have had the pleasure of hearing such stellar acts as Gowan, Frozen Ghost, Renee Simard, Trooper, Gino Vanelli, Sheriff, The Box, Candi, Parachute Club, Doug and the Slugs.......fingers are getting tired, must move on. you get the point right?
- 3 cheers to all the major food corporations for charging twice as much for healthy food. That's the way it should be....only the rich should be healthy. Afterall, if the poor are healthy, they may actually feel better about themselves, get stronger, rise up and want to take back control of their country. We can't have that, can we? Keep them addicted to cheap vienna sausages and pepsi and everything will be fine.
- thank you to Sears for advertising a 32 inch HD tv for $299, taking my visa, charging it, calling me back a week later to say that it wasn't available and then expecting me to wait 60 days to get the visa charge reversed. This opened my eyes to how corporations make their budget numbers in a soft quarter. Thanks, i'll remember that creative accounting trick when I open a shitty, overpriced, messy, understaffed retail store.
- thank you to actors who have sold out for a quick paycheck...Gerard Butler, Hugh Jackman and Bradley Cooper are just a few of the quiffs who fall into this category. They started out with promising careers in quality movies but the lure of Jennifer Aniston's bed and the wonderful world of chick flicks was too much for them. These guys have taught me that making $ is far more important than taking pride in your work. Keep at it guys, you are almost in the upper echelon of legendary actors actors like Patrick Dempsey and Hugh Grant. Just one or two more pathetic films and you'll go down in history as complete tools. (you'll be rich though, so that's cool)
- thank you to the fine folks at Dominion. What do i get for being a loyal customer and showing up as soon as the place opens on Saturday morning? I get no cashier. i get to check my own groceries thru a system that doesn't work 90% of the time. As a result, i'll sleep in a bit later and go when it's crazy busy. thank you for giving me a reason to sleep my saturday morning away. i'm sure I'll feel well rested because of your cost saving measures.
- thank you to our opposition leaders, past and present. (we pay all of the politicians' handsome salaries thru our taxes so yes, it does fall under customer appreciation) You have shown me that a dream job does exist.....getting paid to do absolutely nothing but travel and criticize others' actions. These are among my very favorite things to do and getting paid for it would be sweet. I wanna be one when i grow up.
So to all the fine people above (and oh so many more which i don't have the time or inclination to mention) that have helped shape and guide me thru my life thus far...i thank you. The experiences have been unforgettable, the lessons invaluable.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
stupid drivers
This one may take a while. I don't want to bore you all with a lenghty entry (as there are so many stupid drivers to bitch about in NL) so i figured point form would be more convenient for your reading pleasure. This is just a partial list of opinions, observations, advice, threats, etc...for the idiots on the road that put my life in jeopardy every day. Here goes.....
1. If the driver cannot speak to the passenger without looking straight at him for the entire conversation and therefore swrving all over the place, doing half the speed limit and almost killing every pedestrian in the vicinity, he/she isn't mentally evolved enough to drive. Pull over, get out, strap a fur cloth around your groin area, grab a stick, bend over and start walking.
2. the brotherhood/solidarity that cabbies display by stopping in the middle of a 4 lane highway at rush hour to give each other a brake is absolutley touching. It is a wonderful display of affection and it has almost brought me to tears on occasion. But it is stupid...Peter Griffin stupid.
3. Motorcylists who wave at each other is one the gayer things I have witnessed in life so far. I am considering starting a group of automobilers who wave at each other when they pass on the road too. ("hey there, you drive a car too, that's pretty cool. Thumbs up on owning a car dude ") Then and only then will motrocyclists realize how gay it looks.
4. If you have spent 45 minutes in the Tim Horton's morning lineup because you are too lazy to drag your ass inside, and then try to get back on the main road and you are frustrated, furious and panicked because no one will give you a break and you'll be late for work, that is the opportune time to reflect on what you've been doing for the past 45 minutes and whose fault it is that you are late.
5. if you catch yourself behind any of the following groups of drivers, just slit your wrists and get it over with....
a. left arm bandits - middle-aged men who hang their left arm dangling down the outside of the car door with a lit cigarette. They obey none of the traffic rules and will quickly lead you to insanity if caught behind.
b. right side cruisers - any age but usually male. they tend to lean to the right (ppossbily from a middle ear infection) with their left arm resting on the elbow rest. Easy to pick out if you are behind as their head is stiking out from the right side of the seat instead of over. Similar to the left arm bandits but with an attitude. Common symptoms are erratic speeds, failure to stop at stop signs, no use of indicators or headlights. Usually listening to shitty music.
c. out of towners - lost, looking for a specific address, no idea what is behind them. Be prepared for incessant blinkage, constant brake lights and sharp violent turns at the last minute without indicator.
d. headless wonder - you can't see a head peeking out over the seat or to the side? Prepare to max out at 20 km/hr.
6. Still alive? Congratulations, let's move on. The 4-way stop rule is really very simple. It does not go in a clockwise or counter-clockwise direction. It goes by first come, first served. Eg. if I follow the driver in front of me thru a 4 way stop sign because no one else is around except you, who are coming from another direction but are still .5 km away, don't shake your fist at me. Take that fist and pop it on the bridge of your nose, hard enough to make your eyes water. That pain should remind you of proper 4 way stop etiquette in the future.
7. if you are going 20 km/hr and i am right up your ass, it is not because I like you. It is because I hate you..not as a person, I just hate you in every other way. And when you finally turn off on a side street, don't give me a dirty look because it hurts my feelings.
8. I'll finish off with the Mt. Pearlers who are so proud of the snow removal from their city streets in the winter. You live in a flat, square, grid design town. You do not have Prescott St., you do not have Rawlin's Cross, you do not have one ways, you do not have row housing with no parking, you do not have Church Hill. Give me one of your plows and I'll teach my 2 yr. old maltipoo to clear your town in a 4 hr shift.
That's it for tonight folks. Drive safely.
1. If the driver cannot speak to the passenger without looking straight at him for the entire conversation and therefore swrving all over the place, doing half the speed limit and almost killing every pedestrian in the vicinity, he/she isn't mentally evolved enough to drive. Pull over, get out, strap a fur cloth around your groin area, grab a stick, bend over and start walking.
2. the brotherhood/solidarity that cabbies display by stopping in the middle of a 4 lane highway at rush hour to give each other a brake is absolutley touching. It is a wonderful display of affection and it has almost brought me to tears on occasion. But it is stupid...Peter Griffin stupid.
3. Motorcylists who wave at each other is one the gayer things I have witnessed in life so far. I am considering starting a group of automobilers who wave at each other when they pass on the road too. ("hey there, you drive a car too, that's pretty cool. Thumbs up on owning a car dude ") Then and only then will motrocyclists realize how gay it looks.
4. If you have spent 45 minutes in the Tim Horton's morning lineup because you are too lazy to drag your ass inside, and then try to get back on the main road and you are frustrated, furious and panicked because no one will give you a break and you'll be late for work, that is the opportune time to reflect on what you've been doing for the past 45 minutes and whose fault it is that you are late.
5. if you catch yourself behind any of the following groups of drivers, just slit your wrists and get it over with....
a. left arm bandits - middle-aged men who hang their left arm dangling down the outside of the car door with a lit cigarette. They obey none of the traffic rules and will quickly lead you to insanity if caught behind.
b. right side cruisers - any age but usually male. they tend to lean to the right (ppossbily from a middle ear infection) with their left arm resting on the elbow rest. Easy to pick out if you are behind as their head is stiking out from the right side of the seat instead of over. Similar to the left arm bandits but with an attitude. Common symptoms are erratic speeds, failure to stop at stop signs, no use of indicators or headlights. Usually listening to shitty music.
c. out of towners - lost, looking for a specific address, no idea what is behind them. Be prepared for incessant blinkage, constant brake lights and sharp violent turns at the last minute without indicator.
d. headless wonder - you can't see a head peeking out over the seat or to the side? Prepare to max out at 20 km/hr.
6. Still alive? Congratulations, let's move on. The 4-way stop rule is really very simple. It does not go in a clockwise or counter-clockwise direction. It goes by first come, first served. Eg. if I follow the driver in front of me thru a 4 way stop sign because no one else is around except you, who are coming from another direction but are still .5 km away, don't shake your fist at me. Take that fist and pop it on the bridge of your nose, hard enough to make your eyes water. That pain should remind you of proper 4 way stop etiquette in the future.
7. if you are going 20 km/hr and i am right up your ass, it is not because I like you. It is because I hate you..not as a person, I just hate you in every other way. And when you finally turn off on a side street, don't give me a dirty look because it hurts my feelings.
8. I'll finish off with the Mt. Pearlers who are so proud of the snow removal from their city streets in the winter. You live in a flat, square, grid design town. You do not have Prescott St., you do not have Rawlin's Cross, you do not have one ways, you do not have row housing with no parking, you do not have Church Hill. Give me one of your plows and I'll teach my 2 yr. old maltipoo to clear your town in a 4 hr shift.
That's it for tonight folks. Drive safely.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
nikelback...who else?
This is my first post on my blogsite so it needed to be special. My wife and stepdaugther set it up for me because I needed somewhere to rant about stuff that pisses me off. So, where do I start? Tim horton's drive thruers? Racial profiling mayors? Marathoners that block off my street on a Saturday morning and try to prevent me from having a life? Gambling degenerates that save up 5 months of lotto tickets and then get them all checked when I try to buy the newspaper?
There is a whole plethora of stuff to vent about....but the obvious first choice is Nikelback.
Nikelback.....even the way it is spelled pisses me off. "let's leave out the c so it gives our band a harder edge. Yeah! That's cool! Let's SO do it." When I hear the Jesus Christ wannabe sing, I need to go to the bathroom and snort some dristan nasal mist. His nasal passage is so blocked with phlegm, his lyrics are almost discernible. (which is a good thing because most of their songs are just a senseless listing of cliches. Most of today's song writers need google to apply their trade....especially western Canadian redneck rock bands) And the best part about the "best Canada has to offer" is that they have now turned country. Just like their shitty idols, Bon Jovi. But what i should keep in mind is that you can really find and appreciate good music by all the shit that surrounds it. The Cult really stood out as a great 80's band because they were in the company of Journey. Pearl Jam were great in the 90's because they had to rub elbows with Matchbox 20. And Nikleback licked the dogshit off the White Stripes shoes for the past decade. Thanks Nikleback, you did serve a purpose afterall.....can't figure out the purpose of your fans though.
There is a whole plethora of stuff to vent about....but the obvious first choice is Nikelback.
Nikelback.....even the way it is spelled pisses me off. "let's leave out the c so it gives our band a harder edge. Yeah! That's cool! Let's SO do it." When I hear the Jesus Christ wannabe sing, I need to go to the bathroom and snort some dristan nasal mist. His nasal passage is so blocked with phlegm, his lyrics are almost discernible. (which is a good thing because most of their songs are just a senseless listing of cliches. Most of today's song writers need google to apply their trade....especially western Canadian redneck rock bands) And the best part about the "best Canada has to offer" is that they have now turned country. Just like their shitty idols, Bon Jovi. But what i should keep in mind is that you can really find and appreciate good music by all the shit that surrounds it. The Cult really stood out as a great 80's band because they were in the company of Journey. Pearl Jam were great in the 90's because they had to rub elbows with Matchbox 20. And Nikleback licked the dogshit off the White Stripes shoes for the past decade. Thanks Nikleback, you did serve a purpose afterall.....can't figure out the purpose of your fans though.
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